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Excerpt: Sleeping With Straight Men

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SCENE: SALLY AND STANLEY BACKSTAGE AT THE FLAMINGO
Sally is getting ready for her next show and Stanley is helping her get dressed.

STANLEY
I’m listening, I’m listening.

SALLY
Would you wanna be on a talk show and meet a secret admirer if they turned out to be a woman?

STANLEY
It’s not just about that.

SALLY
So what’s it about?

STANLEY
It’s about going to New York. It’s about being on TV.

SALLY
You’re probably gonna end up on the 6 o’clock news after he punches you out.

STANLEY
They did this one secret admirer show with a lesbian and a straight woman and they ended up getting together and falling in love.

SALLY
Women are different. Women don’t punch each other out.

STANLEY
Lesbians do.

SALLY
Only the ones you hang out with.

STANLEY
This was a nice lesbian.

SALLY
She was an oxymoron?

STANLEY
No. I think she was Catholic.

SALLY
What?

STANLEY
What did you say?

SALLY
I said she was an oxymoron.

STANLEY
What’s that?

SALLY
It’s not a religion.

STANLEY
It’s not those people who live in Utah.

SALLY
No.

STANLEY
Well, whatever, the point is the lesbian was very nice and the straight woman was very open-minded and it worked out great.

SALLY
Straight women and straight men are not the same thing.

STANLEY
You don’t fucking get it.

SALLY
I just don’t understand why you’re all excited about getting turned down by some straight man on national television.

STANLEY
Because it is national television. It’s exciting and it gets me out of Pontiac. I get a free trip. I get to stay in a nice hotel. I get to ride in a limo. I get to eat good food and put on make-up and be a star for the weekend. What part of that don’t you understand?

SALLY
You don’t think he should know he has a gay secret admirer before he goes on the show?

STANLEY
It’s not important.

SALLY
What if he’s like a psycho? What if he freaks out?

STANLEY
Remember how he kept bringing us more bread and how he didn’t charge us for the salad? You could tell he was into us.

SALLY
You kept telling him what a great waiter he was.

STANLEY
He is a great waiter.

SALLY
Oh please.

STANLEY
What’s the worst that could happen? I get him drunk, give him a blowjob and send him home to his girlfriend.

SALLY
And what happens when he punches you out?

STANLEY
He’s not gonna punch me out.

SALLY
But what if he does?

STANLEY
So what? I’ve been punched by straight men before. Remember when I dressed up like Boy George for Halloween.

SALLY
I remember when you thought you were dressed up liked Boy George.

STANLEY
So boys will be boys and girls will be girls and this girl is gonna be famous.

 

    
       
         
 

 

SCENE: TALK SHOW
Music Cue 3: Jill Johnson Theme Song

-Applause signs.

Jill makes a huge entrance and the audience goes crazy.

JILL
Hi, welcome back. You’re the best audience we have had in months. Give yourselves a big hand. Today, people are meeting their secret admirers. Our next guest is Lee Chaplin and we've found out that Lee's had a secret admirer for months. He can’t believe that someone would admire him so much to call our show and be willing to fly all the way from Pontiac, Michigan to meet him on national TV. Lee has no idea who his secret admirer is but he says he has a very open mind. Let's meet Lee.

Music Cue 4: Jill Johnson Theme Song

Applause signs. The music plays as Lee enters and takes a seat.

JILL (CONT'D)
Lee, are ya nervous?

LEE
Very.

JILL
And you have no idea who this person is?

LEE
No, Jill, in fact I've been making lists for the last two weeks trying to figure out who it could be.

JILL
Tell us a little bit about yourself, Lee.

(She should conduct these questions from the aisles of the theater)

LEE
Well, I live in Pontiac.

JILL
You work at an upscale restaurant?

LEE
Yeah, can I mention the name on TV?

JILL
Go ahead.

LEE
The Hilltop on River Drive.

JILL
They'll love you for that in Pontiac.

LEE
Hi everybody.

JILL
So you're a waiter, right?

LEE
Right.

JILL
And my producers tell me that you want to open your own restaurant one day.

LEE
They said that?

JILL
You don’t?

LEE
No, that’d be cool I guess.

JILL
Now, Lee, you deal with a lot of people at your job.

LEE
What do you mean?

JILL
You're always in contact with the public.

LEE
Correct.

JILL
So what if I told you that your secret admirer is someone whose table you waited on just two months ago. Would that be a good clue?

LEE
Umm...no.

JILL
You can't think of anyone you recently waited on that might have a crush on you?

LEE
No.

JILL
(to audience)
Should we bring out his secret admirer?

-Applause signs

JILL (CONT'D)
Okay. Here we go. Your secret admirer is thirty-one years old and lives in Pontiac, Michigan less than two miles from you. This person describes themselves as creative, outgoing, and financially independent. They met you a few months ago at the Hilltop restaurant where you waited on their table and you gave them free salads. Does that ring a bell?

LEE
We give everybody free salads. That’s our policy.

JILL
Well this customer really fell for you and although they don’t expect anything from you, they’ve admired you for months and they want you to know it.

LEE
Wow!

JILL
Lee Chaplin are you...

LEE
Actually Jill, it's Champlin.

JILL
Oh God, Lee. I'm sorry, Lee Champlin are you ready to meet your secret admirer?

LEE
Yes.

JILL
Come on out.

Music Cue 5: Jill Johnson Theme Song

Applause signs. Stanley comes out. Applause signs turn over and say, Ohhhhhhh. Stanley sits next to Lee. Lee is in total shock. Jill and Stanley are smiling.

JILL (CONT’D)
Well, this is very exciting,. Isn’t it exciting, Lee.