EXCERPTS: ALL SCRIPTS

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EXCERPTS:

• Scenes From My Love Life
• Making Porn
• 10 Naked Men
• Peep Show
• All-Male Peep Show
• Shooting Porn: Live On Stage!
• Girl Meets Girl
• A Few Gay Men
• Sleeping With Straight Men
• My Boyfriend the Stripper
• Cocksucker: A Love Story
• Charlie the Sex Addict Meets 4 Hookers
• Sex and Violence (entire script)
• Screenplay: All-Male Peep Show
• Two Dead Clowns

Click here to get character breakdowns for all scripts.

She takes his hand puts it on her dick.
SUZETTE (cont’d)
Do you feel that?
JACK
Yes
SUZETTE
Don't you want to see it?
JACK
Maybe.
SUZETTE
Maybe or yes?
JACK
Yes.
SUZETTE
Well then.
JACK
I'm just not...
SUZETTE
You're scared.
JACK
No.
SUZETTE
What are you scared of?
JACK
I'm not scared.
SUZETTE
You are because you're not repulsed.
JACK
You're right.
SUZETTE
If you were repulsed you'd leave, when people don't want to be somewhere they leave.
JACK
That's true.
SUZETTE
And you're still here.
JACK
Yes I am.
SUZETTE
But you haven't said lets go either.
JACK
No I haven't.
SUZETTE
Because you're scared.
JACK
I'm nervous.
SUZETTE
So what are we gonna do about that?
JACK
I don't know.
SUZETTE
I do. Come on. It’s okay if your afraid. Fear is good, especially during sex.
SCENE: ROY CALLS AGAIN
As they talk they keep grabbing the phone from each other
ROY
Jack, it’s Roy and Linda. We want to apologize about the other night. I know things got rough but we just want you to know how much we believe in you.
LINDA
Jack, it’s Linda, I know I can be difficult. I’m sorry, I just get emotional. If I didn’t believe in you so much I wouldn’t be so passionate. I just want you to have another great success.
ROY
What were trying to say is that were truly sorry, things got said...
LINDA
Things got said in the heat of moment, you know we love you.
ROY
We love you man.
LINDA
You know we love you.
ROY
So listen, I’m still planning on lunch with the Times on Tuesday, so call me when you get a minute to confirm okay.
LINDA
Call us honey.
ROY
Okay, I’m waiting for your call.
LINDA
Call us.
ROY
Bye, for now.
LINDA
Byyyyye.
ROY
Call us.
LINDA
Call us honey.
They hang up.
SCENE: POST SEX
SUZETTE
Are you okay?
JACK
I’m great.
SUZETTE
Are you sure?
JACK
No.
(pause)
So what was it like growing up in Harlem?
SUZETTE
Oh God.
(pause)
You do love your questions don’t you.
(pause)
Well I was always very feminine and the kids in school would always call me names like faggot. Well when I got into High School, I still didn't fit in but I would sneak into local gay bars where I started participating in drag shows and going home with gay men.
JACK
How old were you?
SUZETTE
Seventeen. But I wasn't really attracted to them.
JACK
What do you mean?
SUZETTE
Well they were gay.
JACK
Uh huh.
SUZETTE
I was attracted to straight men. Boring everyday types. Like you. Like my father. And when I was about eighteen and a half I realized I wasn't gay.
JACK
What were you?
SUZETTE
A woman. A heterosexual woman attracted to heterosexual men.
JACK
Do you mean you were turning into a heterosexual woman?
SUZETTE
Not physically, but inside I knew that's what I was. It was a very confusing time for me.
JACK
So what happened?
SUZETTE
Well on my nineteenth birthday I met Dolores, who was going through the same thing, and we became very close and I realized that's what I needed to do.
JACK
Get a sex change?
SUZETTE
Yes, because I never really was a man.
JACK
So it was an easy decision.
SUZETTE
Very easy. And on my twentieth birthday, a year later, I bought myself these.
(Indicates breasts)
And it was the most wonderful day of my life. Twenty years is a long time. It's a long time to live a lie. And when I look back on the first twenty years, I don't feel like it was my life. That was a different person. That wasn't me, that was someone else. I feel no connection to that person. Oh god.
JACK
What.
SUZETTE
Do you believe in love at first sight?
JACK
I’m not sure what I believe right now.
SUZETTE
I rocked your world, didn’t I?
Jack laughs and is overwhelmed at the same time.
SCENE: ROY AND LINDAS APARTMENT
LINDA
You better call us back motherfucker, I’ve had just about enough of this bullshit!!! Who the fuck do you think you are, you can’t just ignore us. I want you on my doorstep with a Goddamn book in your hand within 24 hours or I’m gonna come over there...
Knock at the door. Roy opens door and Jack is there. Jack walks in and locks eyes with Linda.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
(into phone)
You just walked in. Uh...bye.
(she hangs up)
Where the hell have you been?
JACK
I thought you guys might want to read this.
ROY
Where the hell have you been?
JACK
Just read it.
ROY
What is it?
JACK
It's the last chapter of my book.
He gives a look to Jack filled with a million emotions, then slowly opens the package, and begins to read.
ROY
(reading)
"She came onstage and his whole life changed.
Suzette enters, also reading.
ROY & SUZETTE
She sang like a bird...
SUZETTE
...and moved like a snake. He was transfixed. His wanted to leave but he couldn’t. He was paralyzed by her beauty. She was a revelation. Instantly, he was in love. Within seconds his intrigue turned to obsession. He had to meet her. Dolores Alexander was her name and before the year was over she would slit his throat!
LINDA
Oh my God!!! Just shoot me. Seriously just put me out of my misery. Get me a gun! The only thing wose than bad writing is bad faggot writing.
JACK
My contract says you get the first option on my second book and this is my second book.
ROY
Why won't you work with us?
JACK
Maybe I am just a one hit wonder.
ROY
Nobody thinks that.
LINDA
I do!
ROY
Linda, shut-up!
JACK
My first book made me very rich and it made you guys even more money than I'm getting, and the fact is that I don't need to do another book and I certainly don't have a third one ready and right now I’m following my heart.
LINDA
To bankruptcy.
Roy shoots her a look.
JACK
I don’t spend money the way you guys do. I have plenty to last me. If not I’ll go back to teaching. I can’t write for you guys, I have to write for me, surely you understand that. I would love to be the savior of Simon & Schuster but I'm not. I'm a mediocre academic who struggled for a long time to make ends meet and I got lucky with a first novel and now I'm rich and I want to enjoy my life. I think I’m in love. Try to think back to a time when you guys loved each other. Before the money and the mortgages. Remember how it felt to feel young and hopeful and naive. That’s how I feel right now...and it’s wonderful. And I want to hold on to that feeling. I wrote my first book because I needed an adventure. I was dying in academia. That book took me on a wonderful trip around the world and made me feel alive again. But then the pressure showed up. I shouldn’t have taken the advance. I believed my own press. I started to believe I was a great writer. But I was wrong. I just got lucky. I don’t want to be a writer. I want to be a person. I want to be simple. Life flies by. I don’t want to die rich and famous and miserable. I don’t wanna fight with you guys anymore. I want go rollerblading and watch sitcoms and read People magazine. I want to enjoy the dumbing down of America. I’m sick of the New York Times. I’m sick of C-Span. I don’t want to see another movie with subtitles. I want to make love.
ROY
So what are you gonna do?
JACK
I'm moving to Harlem.
LINDA
What?
JACK
You know Harlem.
ROY
I know Harlem.
JACK
I wanna live there
LINDA
Nobody wants to live there
JACK
I’m starting a life there
LINDA
There is no life there.
JACK
I found one.
ROY
You met someone.
JACK
Maybe.
ROY
What's her name?
JACK
Don't worry about it.
ROY
Come on.
JACK
No.
ROY
Are you getting married?
JACK
No.
ROY
So what are you gonna do?
JACK
I don't know.
LINDA
You're just gonna hang out in Harlem? Well that’s just super.
ROY
And then what?
JACK
Who knows.
ROY
You’re insane
JACK
I’m sorry. Do you hate me?
LINDA
(controlled rage)
Get the fuck out of my house.
ROY
Our house.
LINDA
What?
ROY
Our house. Get the fuck out of “our” house.
LINDA
Whatever! Get the fuck out!!!
Jack leaves. They are devastated.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
This is a big problem Roy
ROY
I know it’s a big problem
LINDA
No, I don’t think you do. I can not be poor again
ROY
I know.
LINDA
I need money Roy. Money makes me very happy.
ROY
Me too.
LINDA
He was supposed to be our cash cow.
ROY
What do you want me to do? Hold a gun to his head?
LINDA
Yes! And pull the trigger. We’re gonna have to kill him, period, it’s that simple.
ROY
That’s funny
LINDA
Do I sound like I’m joking. Roy? I am dead serious. I’ll write his books.
ROY
You’re not a writer
LINDA
How hard could it be, it’s just typing.
ROY
Are you listening to yourself?
LINDA
What’s the alternative. Lose the apartment. Move to the west side. Take cabs again. No thank you.
ROY
We’ll go to jail.
LINDA
We’re white, we’re rich there’s nothing to worry about. They won’t even question us.
ROY
I don’t have the stomach for that again.
LINDA
They never found Lisa Newell did they?
ROY
She was hispanic, they never looked.
LINDA
Well, she’s in eight different states by now.
ROY
You’re insane.
LINDA
I have it all worked out.
SCENE: THE BLUE ROSE-BACK STAGE
Dolores performs one final number.
SCENE: ROY CALLS JACK
ROY
Jack its Roy. Roy Waters. I have something to tell you and you’re not gonna believe it but I actually sat down and read the whole book. I read it with an open mind and...well...are you sitting down? Jack, I love it. You’re a genius. We’re gonna publish it.
SCENE: SUZETTE COMES ON READING THE BOOK
SUZETTE
They're gonna publish it?
JACK
That’s what they said.
SUZETTE
That’s good right
JACK
Are you kidding? It’s great!
SCENE: JACK CALLS ROY
ROY
And I have a pretty big check for you, plus a bottle of champagne from the big guys upstairs. Can I bring it over?
(pause)
Is this a bad time? It doesn’t have to be today but it’s a pretty big check and I’d like to give it to you in person. Jack that’s why its called a bonus. It’s a surprise but I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. Okay where do you live?
(pause)
Broadway at 147th St. It’s 1511 W. 147th Apt number 2d.
Linda writes down the address as Roy speaks.
ROY (cont’d)
I’ll be there in half an hour.
They hang up, Roy looks at his wife for a long time.
ROY (cont’d)
You know I hate you for this.
LINDA
Don’t think about it.
ROY
We’re gonna kill him.
LINDA
He’s killing us
ROY
He’s a person.
LINDA
He’s a writer.
ROY
He’s a man.
LINDA
He’s a child.
ROY
That makes it worse
LINDA
Don’t think about it. Lets go!
They exit.
SCENE: SUZETTES APT.
Jack is tidying up the apt. Flowers in a vase etc.
Roy arrives.
They make small talk.
Open the bottle of wine.
They drink and talk.
Finally Roy gives him the bogus-bonus check envelope with nothing inside but a note.
Jack takes the note out and reads it…
JACK
(reading the note)
"You’re dead?"
(to Roy)
What does that mean?
After a look, Roy lunges toward him. They fight with bare hands. Roy strangles him. Jack dies.
Roy calls on his cell phone to his wife.
ROY
It’s done.
Then Suzette is at the door knocking.
SUZETTE
Jack open up open I have groceries. Hurry honey. Don’t make me look for my keys.
Roy hangs up with wife and turns off all lights and hides.
SUZETTE (CONT'D) (cont’d)
Okay, too late now!
She comes in.
She enters suspiciously
SUZETTE
Are you home?
She enters dark apartment.
She turns on the light.
She sees the mess, she sees Jack dead.
SUZETTE
Oh my God.
She drops the groceries.
SUZETTE
Oh my God.
She goes to make 911 call but before 911 picks up she is strangled with the phone cord by Roy who appears from behind.
When he is sure she is dead and all is quiet he calls his wife again on the cell phone.
ROY
I killed his roommate.
(pause)
I can’t tell.
(pause)
I think it’s a man...
(pause)
...or an ugly woman. I’m not sure. Get over here.
Roy gets the bodies and takes em in the bathroom. Stage left. He drags Suzette into bathroom first.
While off-stage. Jack, dizzy, begins to sit up.
He is very dizzy.
Roy goes and gets a knife from kitchen. Stage right
He does not see Jack sitting up in living room.
Comes back with large knife. Stops center. Examines it. Does not think it’s big enough to cut up Suzette so he goes back to kitchen for a bigger knife. Stage right.
Jack tries to stand but he can’t. From offstage we hear Roy in the kitchen rattling knife drawers.
Jack collapses again making a loud thud sound as he drops. The offstage rattling ceases and Roy comes back into the room. But now all is silent. Roy looks around the living room suspiciously trying to find out where the noise came from. Now has a bigger knife and finally after deciding all is fine he heads back to the bathroom. Stage left.
We hear him cutting up her body from off-stage.
It sounds like a juicy watermelon being crushed. The louder and grosser the better.
Blood spurts in streams onstage from bathroom doorway.
ROY
Oh Shit!!!
Blood stops.
He continues cutting.
More blood.
ROY
Goddamnit bitch!!!
Blood stops again.
The chopping sounds continue as well as bone-cracking noises.
Jack, half-dead, tries to stand.
He finally gets up and is hit with a blood spurt shooting from off-stage.
He wipes off the blood that hits him and looks at it and quivers and faints, he hits the floor again making a loud thud and the chopping ceases.
Roy enters the room and looks around. He is covered in blood.
Jack is back on floor, not moving.
Roy takes out his cell phone, dials his wife and waits for her to pick up. All is totally silent.
Boom!!! Boom!!! Boom!!! Jack jumps out of his skin. (Hopefully the audience does too)
Roy goes to door.
ROY
Who is it?
LINDA
Avon! Who the fuck you think it is???
Roy opens the door Linda comes in carrying two huge suitcases.
LINDA
Look at you
ROY
I killed two people.
LINDA
You told me that already. Here, I got another suitcase
ROY
Linda, I killed two people.
LINDA
What about Lisa Newell?
ROY
No, I mean tonight. I killed two people tonight.
LINDA
And get over it. God damn, look at you. That shirt is ruined. Where is she?
ROY
She has a penis.
LINDA
It’s a man?
ROY
No, it has tits too.
LINDA
That is sick! Where is it?
ROY
In the bathroom.
LINDA
Is that him?
ROY
Come on. I wanna get out here.
LINDA
Calm down.
ROY
Lets hurry.
LINDA
Calm down.
ROY
I’m scared.
LINDA
Calm down. Jesus!
She goes to Jack. Looks down at him.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
(to Jack)
Little shit! Now call the Writers Guild.
(she laughs)
ROY
Linda come on. Did you bring it?
LINDA
Hold on it’s in the suitcase.
She goes to suitcase, opens it and pulls out a chainsaw. She starts it up.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Then they both go into the bathroom, and start chain-sawing.
More blood flying but now more like a river.
Jack gets up, he is still half-concious. The blood is spraying all over him.
Finally it stops.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
Goddamn she is big boned.
ROY
She’s a man.
LINDA
Whatever it is, it’s big boned.
Jack looks around goes to kitchen gets a knife comes out looks at it is not big enough-goes and gets another one-a bigger one. He is ready for battle!!!
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
(from off-stage) )
Did you know he was into this?
ROY
(from off-stage) )
No, but I should have guessed it. All writing is autobiographical. Writers hate to admit but its true.
Jack hides with his knife.
LINDA
So what do you call someone whose into this?
ROY
Fucked up?
LINDA
Go get him and drag him in here.
Roy enters the living room.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
And bring the glad-bags.
Jack is nowhere in sight.
Roy realizes that Jack is gone. He turns white as a sheet.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
Did you hear me?
ROY
He’s gone.
LINDA
I said bring the glad bags.
ROY
He’s gone!
LINDA
What?
ROY
He’s gone I’m telling you he’s gone?
Jack yells and jumps out swinging-they struggle but Jack has the advantage with the knife and Roy is unarmed.
Linda comes in and watches. She is screaming.
LINDA
Stop it!!! Stop it!!! What are you doing???
Jack is furiously killing Roy.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
Noooo stop it!! That’s my husband!!!
Roy goes down. He is dead.
Silence.
Linda is in shock and now terrified.
Jack slowly rises from his kill and looks at Linda with pure hatred.
He is going to kill her.
He begins to advance toward her.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
No, come on, it wasn’t my idea, he made me do it, he threatened me, he abused me for years. No, please, understand, I’m begging you!
She runs off into the bathroom and Jack runs after her.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
Nooooooooo!!!!!!
They are now both off-stage.
LINDA (CONT'D) (cont’d)
You motherfucker!!!!!!!!!
We hear the chainsaw start up and immediatly Jack runs back out, chased by Linda with the chainsaw.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
LINDA (cont’d)
You are dead! You motherfucker. Come on! Bring it on. You want a piece of me! Come on. I dare you!!! You’ll be fish food in two hours.
Jack lunges and with one swing…..
Linda kills him!!!
She is the only living thing on-stage.
She is thrilled with her victory but unhappy with the mess.
She pulls out the super huge glad bags from the other suitcase opens them up and goes into the bathroom.
One by one she drags Jack and Roy into the bathroom. (stage left)
After she gets both off-stage we here more chain-sawing noise.
After a bit she comes back with two huge dripping glad-bags of body parts.
She drops one in each suitcase.
Goes back and returns with two more and puts them in each suitcase again.
She seals the suitcases.
Music plays.
She hauls the suitcases outside.
Dolores appears dressed in white.
SCENE: DOLORES AND JOEY FINAL SCENE.
Dolores enters and slowly walks to "closet door". She opens it to reveal Joey, still wrapped in the sheet she wrapped him in. She takes him down stage, and unwraps him. After a moment she puts her hand on his belly and he breathes. He slowly sits up and after taking in the room around him he speaks.
JOEY
Twenty years is a long time to be in a closet.
DOLORES
I know.
JOEY
Because I was late?
DOLORES
And because of the sweet and sour and a million other reasons you'll never understand.
JOEY
I guess it doesn't matter now.
DOLORES
That's true.
JOEY
So what's up?
DOLORES
I'm dying Joey.
JOEY
It's not that bad.
DOLORES
If I knew how awful it is I wouldn't have put you through it.
JOEY
Don't worry about it.
DOLORES
Do you hate it?
JOEY
What?
DOLORES
Being dead.
JOEY
It's boring.
DOLORES
It scares me.
JOEY
Well you've never been dead before. It's really not that bad. There's worse things to be.
DOLORES
Like what?
JOEY
I don't know.
DOLORES
I should have buried you.
JOEY
Why didn't you?
DOLORES
I was scared.
JOEY
So why are you dying.
DOLORES
I have this new disease.
JOEY
What?
DOLORES
It's a new thing.
JOEY
And it kills you?
DOLORES
Basically.
JOEY
Is it painful?
DOLORES
I don't want to talk about it.
JOEY
What do you want to talk about?
DOLORES
Nothing really. I just wanted to see you. I miss you.
JOEY
Really?
DOLORES
I do.
JOEY
You said you wouldn't
DOLORES
I was wrong. I didn't know.
JOEY
I've missed you too.
DOLORES
I have something for you.
She hands him a Snickers.
JOEY
Oh my God.
DOLORES
I know it's not much.
JOEY
It's huge.
DOLORES
It's a King Size. They're making everything bigger these days.
JOEY
Wow.
DOLORES
There's been lots of changes.
JOEY
What else?
DOLORES
Everything.
JOEY
Like what?
DOLORES
Just everything. Everything's different. You wouldn't recognize the world anymore. They let Suzette be on T.V.
JOEY
Suzette?
DOLORES
They put her on T.V. and she talked about her tit operation to Sally Jesse.
JOEY
Who’s that?
DOLORES
She’s on T.V. too.
JOEY
They let Suzette be on TV?
DOLORES
Yeah, and she talked about us. And then a guy wrote a book about me killing you...
Linda takes out a laptop and starts typing...
DOLORES (cont'd)
...and while he was writing the book he fell in love with Suzette but the publisher didn’t like the book so he killed the writer but the writer didn’t die so the wife killed the writer but the husband was already dead and so the husband killed Suzette too but that was before the husband got killed. But the wife got away with it and she told everyone that the writer and her husband fell in love and they moved to Spain together and now she just forges their signatures and she writes a book every year under the dead writers name, but she tells everyone that Jacks writing them, but of course he’s not, because he’s dead, but nobody cares because the books are good and people keep buying them, and Linda doesn’t care cause because she’s filthy rich now and really, really, really, really, really, happy and single and a lesbian and even though were not rich Joey were still famous. So its all good, right?
JOEY
People know I was in the closet for twenty years?
DOLORES
Yeah. Its all in the book..
JOEY
You and me?
DOLORES
We were on the cover of New York magazine.
JOEY
What’s that?
DOLORES
It’s a magazine.
JOEY
About what?
DOLORES
New York.
JOEY
Cool.
DOLORES
Its kinda easy to be famous these days.
JOEY
Oh.
DOLORES
But it's really great seeing you again.
JOEY
You've lost weight.
DOLORES
AIDS.
JOEY
Diet Aids?
DOLORES
No, that's the name of my disease.
JOEY
It's called AIDS?
DOLORES
Yeah.
JOEY
That's a weird name for a disease that kills you. AIDS sounds so helpful.
DOLORES
Well it's not.
JOEY
So when are you expected to die?
DOLORES
I'm not sure. I might be dead already.
JOEY
You don't know?
DOLORES
This disease really fucks up your senses.
JOEY
Oh.
DOLORES
I may be dead now.
JOEY
Do you want to get a place together after you die?
DOLORES
That would be nice. Do you have a girlfriend?
JOEY
No, I'm available.
DOLORES
I think I am too.
JOEY
You died?
DOLORES
Just now. Oh God. It's so quiet. It’s so peaceful. How do I look?
JOEY
You look good.
DOLORES
This disease really fucks up your skin.
JOEY
No, you look nice.
DOLORES
Thank you. So do you.
They kiss, lights fade to black and the only light left on stage is the light from Lindas laptop. She is finishing Jacks novel. We hear the eerie sound of her typing. She is done. The typing ends. She is satisfied.
LINDA
The end.
She shuts the laptop and the stage goes black.
Black out
CURTAIN CALL]