ABOUT 10 NAKED MEN:
10 Naked Men is not an easy play to make work. The play
should be performed and spoken at a break neck speed while
sounding naturalistic and breezy. If it doesn't "move" it
doesn't work. It requires actors with great comedic timing
who can talk fast. The staging should be fast bordering on
frantic while appearing effortless. There are no black-outs
in the show and the endings of scenes should overlap with the
beginnings of the next.
ACT I:
Music Cue: Pre-show music
Music Cue: Pre-show fade out
SCENE: THE PROLOGUE
A narrator walks on to the stageÉ
Music Cue: Pre-show fade out
...holding a book containing the story we are about to see.
NARRATOR
Hi. Welcome to the show. I'm the narrator.
How's everybody doing tonight?
(pause, he doesn't really care)
That's nice.
(pause)
A night of live theatre, it's so exciting. I
personally hate going to the theatre, but it's
your life, do what you want? I only appear in
plays because my film and T.V. career is in the
toilet so...here I am. Anyway...before we get
started were gonna play a little theatre game.
Are you ready? You all probably hate audience
participation but this is a really fun game, its
called, "the-turn-off-your fucking-cell phone
game." And here to help us is my lovely
assistant Lucinda.
Mike enters in drag as the assistant holding a cell phone and
demonstrates the "game".
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
This is how it works. You take out your cell
phone, you find the off button and you push it.
Ready? Okay do it now. Is everybody's cell
phone off? You better double check because if
your phone goes off during the show we will kill
you, okay?
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Okay great! So, is everybody ready? Okay! Here
we go. And...
Opening the book...
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
...curtain up!
Robert enters with a curtain and hangs it up.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Once upon a time there was an actor named Robert
from Denver.
ROBERT
(to audience)
Hi.
He finishes putting up the curtain.
NARRATOR
He spent four years studying theatre at Denver
University, and his senior year he played
Shylock in The Merchant of Venice.
Robert steps out from behind the curtain in full
Shakespearean garb.
ROBERT
(as Shylock)
He hath disgraced me, and hind'red me half a
million, laughed at my losses, mocked at my
gains, scorned my nation, thwarted my bargains,
cooled my friends, heated mine enemies--and what
is his reason? I am a Jew.
Robert exits back through the curtain.
NARRATOR
He was such a major talent that the whole
faculty just knew that one day he'd have a shelf
full of Tony's, a few Oscars and maybe even an
Emmy.
Kenny enters.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
His best friend Kenny.
KENNY
(to audience)
Hi.
NARRATOR
Was his biggest fan.
ROBERT
So, girl, how was I?
KENNY
Girl, that play was sooo fuckin long.
ROBERT
Fuck you...
NARRATOR
Unfortunately after graduating and auditioning
for every major theatre company in North
America, he was offered only minor roles, in
minor Shakespeare festivals, in minor American
cities.
We are now "backstage" and Robert is changing out of his
Shakespearean costume.
ROBERT
I can't believe nobody wants me. I just played
Shylock last year in college.
Robert and Kenny freeze during the narrators next speech.
NARRATOR
Robert was scared. He thought of all those
actors who had tried and failed. Lee Majors.
Joey Buttafucco. Susan Lucci. The entire cast
of 'Different Strokes.'
Still backstage..
KENNY
You can't have a professional acting career in
Denver, Colorado and you know it.
Robert exits, Kenny heads upstage.
NARRATOR
Kenny had actually grown up in Southern
California.
KENNY
(turning to the audience)
Orange County.
NARRATOR
Whatever.
Kenny begins to set up his bank desk on the table behind the
narrator.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Anyway, he'd always wanted to experience the
glamorous life in West Hollywood as a full
fledged homosexual. So upon graduating he
packed his bags and headed to West Hollywood.
Robert appears in a spotlight on a telephone. He is talking
to Kenny who also has a telephone up to his ear.
KENNY
So are you coming?
ROBERT
Well can you find me a husband if I come
out there?
KENNY
Girl, I can't even find myself a husband.
Steve enters.
ROBERT
Really? How's the bank?
KENNY
Oh my God, I have the world's cutest customer.
Bye.
Kenny hangs up on Robert and focuses all of his attention on
Steve. It is love at first sight. Robert exits.
KENNY (CONT'D)
Sir, I can help you over here.
Steve walks up to the desk.
KENNY (CONT'D)
Hi, welcome to Bank of America. What can I do
for you?
STEVE
I'm interested in opening a new account.
KENNY
Great. That's what I do.
STEVE
Great.
KENNY
I'm Kenny.
STEVE
Steve.
They shake hands.
KENNY
So Steve, do you live in West Hollywood?
STEVE
Yes.
KENNY
Do you like it?
STEVE
What do you think?
KENNY
I try not to make too many assumptions.
STEVE
I love it. Do you?
KENNY
Oh yeah, yeah. I love it. It's great. I grew up
in Orange County, so you know.
STEVE
I grew up in Texas.
KENNY
Oh wow, did you like it?
STEVE
No.
KENNY
Oh.
STEVE
Did you like Orange County?
KENNY
No.
STEVE
Well there you go.
KENNY
But I love West Hollywood. So everything's
great now.
STEVE
That's good.
KENNY
So, Steve, what do you do?
STEVE
Actually I'm a model.
KENNY
Wow.
STEVE
It's no big deal.
KENNY
So you're in the entertainment industry?
STEVE
Yep.
KENNY
I'm sorry.
STEVE
Oh, come on.
KENNY
Just kidding. My best friend's an actor so, you
know...
Kenny starts doing the account paperwork.
STEVE
(flirting)
You know you are like the cutest banker I ever
met.
KENNY
(flirting back)
Oh stop it.
STEVE
You are.
KENNY
(very coy)
Oh stop it.
STEVE
I'm serious, you are.
KENNY
Okay stop it now. You are totally embarrassing
me.
STEVE
I bet people tell you that all the time.
KENNY
Okay, mister, checking or savings?
STEVE
Checking.
KENNY
Okay, fill this out.
Steve starts to fill out the form. Kenny watches him. Steve
catches Kenny looking at him. Steve stops filling out form,
looks at Kenny seductively. Finally, Steve speaks, with a big
smile on his face.
STEVE
So...will you be handling all my deposits?
KENNY
(shocked)
Stop it.
They both exit off quickly.
NARRATOR
(to audience)
When Jim Carrey first arrived in Los Angeles, he
used to sit on top of Mullholland Drive telling
himself that if he didn't make it in Hollywood
he'd do something really insane and now he's
making 20 million a picture. And although this
play is not about Jim Carrey, it is about the
absurdity of the entertainment industry and it's
about greed and hustling and desperation. In a
way I guess it is about Jim Carrey, but more
than that...
The remaining nine cast members file on-stage, naked,
carrying only black and white lettered placards that the
audience can't yet read.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
....it's about 10 ruthless capitalists whose
souls will be laid bare by the end of the night.
Hence the title: 10 Naked Men.
When the narrator announces "10 Naked Men", the men snap into
place, freezing with the placards in front of their penises.
The 9 placards spell out 10 N A K E D M E N. Each letter is
on a different placard but the 10 is on one.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Actually the title has nothing to do with
the play at all.
ALLEN
What?
The cast turn and look at him Allen.
ALLEN (CONT'D)
I'm sorry that's just tacky.
MIKE
Oh please, honey...
The cast turn and look at him
JEFFREY
...at least it got people here didn't it?
The cast look out at the audience. Suddenly they smile at the
full house...
THE CAST
(at same time)
Oh that's true, he's right, it did, oh
good...
NARRATOR
(screaming over the cast)
Quiet!
All at once the cast snap back to attention and become quiet.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Anyway. What was I saying?
The men flip their cards over, it spells out...
H O L L Y W O O D
NARRATOR
Oh, yes. Hollywood!
The cast strike glamorous Hollywood poses and freeze.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
If you can make it here they'll hate you in
New York.
Music Cue-Hooray for Hollywood
As the music plays the cast scamper off stage. The narrator
gathers up the bank stuff from the desk and also exits.
As he does a miniature pink corvette drives across the top of
the set, it is being "driven" by a beautiful Barbie dressed all
in pink who oddly enough resembles L.A. icon, Angelynne! The
music continues to play until the beginning of the upcoming
Steve and Allen scene! After the car is offstage, Kenny runs
out in a bathrobe. He waves at Robert who is offstage.
KENNY
Robert!!! Get up here! Come on baby!
Climb those steps!
Robert comes running down the hallway carrying his suitcase and
a giant 64 once big gulp cup, yelling as he runs...
ROBERT
Baby!!!!!!
They hug!
KENNY
Welcome to Hollywood.
ROBERT
I'm ready for my close up.
KENNY
Actually, welcome to West Hollywood.
ROBERT
It's fabulous.
Kenny
It's better than Denver.
ROBERT
Honey, everything's better than Denver.
KENNY
Robert, what are you drinking?
ROBERT
Diet Coke.
KENNY
I don't think it's working.
SCENE: ALLEN PAYS STEVE
Steve comes out with clothes in hand. Allen comes out wrapped
in a sheet. Steve starts to get dressed. Allen looks at him for
a while. Steve is in a hurry, Allen is not.
ALLEN
Oh God, that was amazing. I thoroughly
enjoyed myself. Did you?
STEVE
It was interesting.
ALLEN
Here's your money.
STEVE
Thank you.
ALLEN
You're so polite. I have a friend who
would go crazy for you.
STEVE
What does he get into?
ALLEN
Oh, it's just the cutest thing, he loves to
get peed on.
STEVE
Where?
ALLEN
In West Hollywood.
STEVE
No, where does he like to be peed on?
ALLEN
Oh, at his apartment.
STEVE
No, I mean where does he want the pee to
go?
ALLEN
Oh, in his mouth. He likes to drink it.
He has this little tube-underwear mask
thing that he puts on that connects you and
you pee in the tube and it goes directly
into his mouth and he drinks it.
STEVE
It's like an outfit?
ALLEN
Yes, exactly. He's a freak but he has a
very nice apartment.
STEVE
Well speaking of freaks, I better go. I
don't wanna be late.
ALLEN
You're doing somebody else?
STEVE
Yeah, and he's kind of an asshole.
ALLEN
What does he get into?
STEVE
You don't wanna know.
SCENE: RICHARD AND JEFFREY INTERVIEW
JEFFREY
Oh my God. Richard, this is so cute.
RICHARD
What?
JEFFREY
Your resume. You've only got one credit
here, "A Few Good Men".
RICHARD
They filmed it at Westpoint my senior year.
Remember the last scene where everybody
throws their hats up in the air? I got to
be in that scene, and if you freeze frame
it on DVD you can see me really clearly.
I'm in the third row, second to the left.
JEFFREY
But you didn't have any lines?
RICHARD
But I was still acting. We had to do three
different takes and afterwards I ran into
the director and he goes, "good job". I
mean, he didn't have to say that.
JEFFREY
You really wanna be an actor?
RICHARD
I got bitten by the acting bug? What are
you gonna do? Have you heard of the acting
bug?
JEFFREY
Honey, the acting bug has done more damage
in this town than the San Andreas fault.
RICHARD
Who's that?
JEFFREY
Who what?
RICHARD
San Andreas? Who's that? Is he a
director? Should I know him?
JEFFREY
Did you see the movie, "Earthquake"?
RICHARD
Yeah.
JEFFREY
He directed that.
RICHARD
So you think you can help me?
JEFFREY
How's your body?
RICHARD
Why?
JEFFREY
Are you in good shape?
RICHARD
Pretty good.
JEFFREY
Let me see your chest.
RICHARD
Why?
JEFFREY
Because I want to.
RICHARD
Why?
JEFFREY
Are you shy?
RICHARD
No.
JEFFREY
Then let me see it.
(long awkward pause)
Oh come on, I'm not gonna rape you
He laughs at his own little joke. Richard is not amused but he
finally does take his shirt off.
RICHARD
Okay.
JEFFREY
(awe-struck)
Oooo. Ooooooo. Very nice. What am I
gonna do with you?
RICHARD
(flexing his pec muscles)
Make me a star.
JEFFREY
(beat)
Can you suck cock?
RICHARD
(beat)
My friends call me Monica.
SCENE: ROBERT AND KENNY
Kenny is getting ready for a date.
ROBERT
So are you ready for your big first date?
KENNY
No. Are you ready for your big first interview.
ROBERT
No. I'm nervous. I never met an agent before.
KENNY
You'll be fine. So, how do I look?
ROBERT
I'm just so jealous! I can't believe you've
been here two months and you're already dating.
KENNY
You find a boyfriend.
ROBERT
I don't want a boyfriend, I just want to get
laid.
KENNY
You should hire a hustler out of Frontiers.
ROBERT
Honey, I do not pay for sex.
KENNY
I'm just kidding.
ROBERT
How much are they?
KENNY
Well, actually, some charge by the pound so that
might be a problem for you.
SCENE: RICHARD AND JEFFREY AT HOUSE
RICHARD
Holy shit! You have a beautiful house.
JEFFREY
Holy shit, you have a beautiful body! How old
are you?
RICHARD
25.
JEFFREY
Oh my God.
RICHARD
Why? How old are you?
JEFFREY
Don't worry about it.
SCENE: STEVE & KENNY ON DATE
KENNY
Wow, I've never been here before.
STEVE
It's beautiful, isn't it?
KENNY
I'm speechless. I don't know what to say.
STEVE
Are you warm enough?
KENNY
Are you?
STEVE
I could be warmer.
KENNY
Oh really?
STEVE
Come here.
Pulls him close.
KENNY
I'm getting warmer.
STEVE
You are a very attractive man.
KENNY
You know, I don't usually do this.
STEVE
Do what?
KENNY
This dating thing. It kind of scares me.
STEVE
What are you afraid of?
KENNY
You just seem too good. I'm a cynic. I know I
shouldn't be, but I am.
STEVE
A twenty-four year old cynic. That's what should
scare you.
KENNY
How old are you?
STEVE
It doesn't matter, I'm not cynical.
KENNY
Well, maybe I'm not cynical but I'm cautious.
STEVE
There's nothing wrong with caution. We'll go as
slow as you want.
They kiss, then pull back and look at each other for a long
time. They kiss again and the next scene starts.
SCENE: ICE CREAM PITCH-MIKE AND ALLEN
ALLEN
So I had this boy over last night and he was
gorgeous but...
MIKE
Where did you find him?
ALLEN
I found him in the back of Frontiers. He was
cheap, a hundred bucks.
MIKE
Did he look like his picture?
ALLEN
Oh please, they never do, so I told him, I said,
"Honey, you do not look like your picture", and
I sent him home. And now I've been horny all
fucking day.
MIKE
You sent him home.
ALLEN
Yes. False advertising. Which reminds me, did
you call the people at Blueboy?
MIKE
The people at Blueboy are being very difficult.
The guy in charge of promotions goes, "we want
Blueboy ice cream to become America's ice
cream". So, I came up with a tag line: "Now
that's good ice cream".
ALLEN
Now that's good ice cream?
MIKE
Yeah, now that's good ice cream. And every week
we run a different commercial with a different
person saying it. One week a famous person says
it and the next week a nobody. So the
commercials give the impression that the whole
country is obsessed with blue boy ice cream.
What do you think?
ALLEN
I don't know. I can't think straight, I'm too
horny. I need a blowjob. I need a fucking
blowjob. I need to feel the head of my cock in
the back of someone's throat.
MIKE
Allen.
ALLEN
Don't you ever get like that?
MIKE
I'm a bottom.
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.