SCENE: RICHARD & JEFFREY DISCUSS BEER COMMERCIALS
JEFFREY
So did you read the script?
RICHARD
"Now that's good ice cream?" I don't wanna
do commercials. I don't wanna stand around
with my clothes off in the background of a
stupid ice cream commercial. I wanna play
a character. I wanna say some lines.
JEFFREY
But why have it if you're not gonna use it?
You use it to hustle but you won't use it
to get parts.
RICHARD
Acting is not hustling. Acting's an art.
JEFFREY
So is hustling. That's exactly what it is.
You're playing a role. You're like the fucking
David. Your body is art. You should show it
off. What's the big deal? It's not like you're
some famous actor. You're a nobody. Who cares
what you do?
RICHARD
And you're an asshole.
JEFFREY
Why, 'cause I wont lie to you?
RICHARD
I don't want you to lie to me.
JEFFREY
Oh please, all actors want to be lied to.
RICHARD
Is this what happens when you make a lot money,
you think you have permission to be an asshole?
JEFFREY
No, I was an asshole when I was poor, too.
RICHARD
I gotta go.
JEFFREY
Where are you going?
RICHARD
I told you I have another client.
JEFFREY
Don't say, "another client". Like I'm just
another client and you're gonna go off and
see another client.
RICHARD
Well, you brought it up.
JEFFREY
Tell me you're going shopping.
RICHARD
I'm going shopping.
JEFFREY
Thank you.
RICHARD
I'm going shopping with all the money I
make from fucking another client.
JEFFREY
Well just come by when you're done.
(begging)
Please.
RICHARD
You're gonna be nice to me?
JEFFREY
Yes.
RICHARD
Fine, I'll see you tonight.
JEFFREY
Richard?
RICHARD
What?
JEFFREY
You know I really like you. You know that,
right?
RICHARD
Uh-huh.
Music Cue: Money, Money, Money
SCENE: SMOKING TRICK
Allen peeks out, enters room. Sits down on piece of furniture,
takes out pack of cigarettes and a lighter, lights cigarette,
smokes for a while. Suddenly, Richard yells from offstage.
RICHARD
(offstage)
Son, son, son, what are you doing in here?
ALLEN
Nothing.
RICHARD
Do I smell smoke?
ALLEN
No.
RICHARD
I smell a bad boy, that's what I smell.
You've been smoking again, haven't you?
Stand up. Oh, this is bad.
ALLEN
I'm sorry daddy.
RICHARD
I think it's time for an appointment with
Mr. Hand.
ALLEN
No daddy, please.
Allen pulls his pants down voluntarily. He begins to spank him.
RICHARD
Do you see what happens to little boy's who
smoke? Do you?
ALLEN
(in his normal voice)
Uh, Richard, just do it a little harder.
RICHARD
Oh, I thought you wanted it light.
ALLEN
Yeah, but that's too light. Make it sting
a little bit.
RICHARD
Oh, sorry.
(slaps him)
Like that?
ALLEN
Yeah, that's better.
RICHARD
Sorry about that.
ALLEN
No problem.
RICHARD
Yeah, you've been a bad little smoker,
haven't you? Now you get your little red
butt in that bathroom and you take your
bath. And if you get water on the floor,
you know what happens.
ALLEN
I know.
Allen exits. Richard sits alone on stage for a minute, relaxes,
exasperated.
RICHARD
(to himself)
Oh my God.
ALLEN
(off-stage)
Oh no, daddy. I got water on the floor.
RICHARD
(Richard shakes his head "no".)
No, you didn't.
ALLEN
I'm sorry daddy, I'll clean it up.
RICHARD
Too late, I'm coming in there.
Stands up, removes belt.
RICHARD (CONT'D)
Say hi to Mr. Belt.
ALLEN
(Screaming in little boy voice)
Nooooo!!!!
Music Cue: Money, Money, Money (Reprise)
SCENE: JEFFREY INTERVIEWS ROBERT
JEFFREY
So, have you thought about losing weight?
ROBERT
I've thought about it.
JEFFREY
But you can't.
ROBERT
Well no.
JEFFREY
Like do you have a metabolism thing going
on?
ROBERT
No.
JEFFREY
You just eat a lot?
ROBERT
I actually don't eat that much.
JEFFREY
You know some people can eat and eat and
eat and they never gain weight.
ROBERT
That's not me.
JEFFREY
But you don't eat a lot?
ROBERT
No, like, if you put all the food on the
table that I eat in a whole day it wouldn't
be that much food.
JEFFREY
What'd you have for lunch?
ROBERT
Uh...
(laughing embarrassed)
...well actually that's not fair.
JEFFREY
Tell me.
ROBERT
I had a cheeseburger.
JEFFREY
Oh please, you had a fucking cheeseburger.
I'm telling you it's what you eat, and I'll
bet you don't exercise right?
ROBERT
I bet I don't.
JEFFREY
So you eat cheeseburgers and you don't exercise,
well that's the problem right there. We just
figured out.
ROBERT
So you think I need to lose weight?
JEFFREY
Yes and get a tan. Please, you look like
Michael Jackson. I mean, come on, you don't
want to spend the rest of your life playing the
pasty faced effeminate neighbor, do you?
ROBERT
Am I effeminate?
JEFFREY
Oh, girl, please! Robert, you seem like a
nice guy. I like your shirt, you have
nice...hair but I just don't think there's
much I can do for you...
ROBERT
Mr. Silver, I'll do anything. I'll go to
the gym. I'll get a tan. I just really
need an agent. I don't want to spend the
rest of my life doing Shakespeare for 200
dollars a week in summer stock.
JEFFREY
Oh, I love Shakespeare. There's nothing
wrong with Shakespeare.
ROBERT
But he doesn't pay the bills.
JEFFREY
Actually, you're wrong. He does pay the bills.
Shakespeare was a rich mother-fucker. He was a
big capitalist. He was like the Spielberg of
his day. If he were alive today he'd be working
in Hollywood. He'd be writing screenplays.
He'd be writing Batman 5. He churned those
scripts out: Hamlet, Macbeth, Othello, bam, one
after another. And the sequels! Henry I, Henry
II, Henry III, Henry IV. Listen Robert, stick
to Shakespeare, there's nothing wrong with
Shakespeare.
ROBERT
So basically, you're not gonna sign me.
JEFFREY
You're a nice guy but you know my concerns.
ROBERT
I'm a very good actor.
JEFFREY
Robert please, don't give me the hard sell.
Have some dignity. You sound like the
fuckin' Avon lady.
ROBERT
I just really need an agent.
JEFFREY
Don't beg, it's not attractive.
ROBERT
(pause)
Please...
JEFFREY
Don't beg
ROBERT
(very quietly)
Please...
JEFFREY
I'm sorry, Robert.
(pause)
Good luck with your career.
SCENE: POST SMOKING TRICK
ALLEN
You are so fucking sexy. Stay the night.
Allen is mauling him.
RICHARD
I really can't.
ALLEN
What do I have to do to get you to move in? I
feel so young when I'm with you.
RICHARD
You are young.
ALLEN
But I don't feel it. Feel that.
(he pushes his crotch against
Richard)
I feel like Bob Dole.
SCENE: JIM TUCKER SIGNS ROBERT
ROBERT
One agent told me I was too fat, another said I
was too queenie...
JIM
Robert, you gotta be patient. Every
actor's miserable. Even the famous ones.
In fact the most famous ones are the most
miserable. That's why they all get
addicted to painkillers. It's a painful
business, they can't deal with it. Robert,
how old are you?
ROBERT
28. 29? 29.
JIM
Well when you hit 30 we'll talk because it all
changes at 30.
ROBERT
How?
JIM
Everything. My whole career changed at 30.
ROBERT
How.
JIM
I became an agent.
ROBERT
What were before that?
JIM
I was an actor.
ROBERT
Were you good.
JIM
Well I thought I was but nobody else did so
now I'm an agent. So listen, if I sign you
you'll make me lots of money, right?
ROBERT
Of course I will.
JIM
Okay great, let's give it a try.
ROBERT
You're signing me.
JIM
I'm signing you!
ROBERT
Yes!!!!! Mr. Tucker, you will not regret
this, and when I win the Oscar you'll be
the first person I thank.
JIM
Now listen you need new head shots. This
picture of you sucks. It makes you look mildly
retarded. But don't worry. I have a
photographer I work with, Cooper Davis. He'll
take care of you. Come with me I'll give you
his number.
SCENE: RICHARD LEAVES ALLEN'S-2:30 A.M.
Richard comes out naked, carrying his clothes, tiptoeing, he
begins to change. Allen comes out putting a robe on. Richard
is in a hurry, Allen is not.
ALLEN
What are you doing?
RICHARD
I gotta go.
ALLEN
I wanted you to stay.
RICHARD
I can't. I promised Jeffrey I'd stop by before
three.
Jeffrey enters in robe with coffee cup waiting for Richard.
ALLEN
How much does he pay you?
RICHARD
Enough.
ALLEN
I really wanted you to stay.
RICHARD
I can't.
ALLEN
Well, I really wanted you to stay.
RICHARD
Well, I really can't.
ALLEN
Fine.
RICHARD
Don't be pissy.
ALLEN
Well, it's two thirty.
RICHARD
Sorry.
ALLEN
Did you get your money?
RICHARD
I got it. Thank you.
Jeffrey exits.
ALLEN
Call me tomorrow.
RICHARD
I will.
ALLEN
You better.
Music Cue: Pee Wee Music
Richard exits.
SCENE: DOG FOOD SCENE-JIM AND STEVE
Jim Tucker enters with a dog bowl a dog leash, dog food, wet
and dry and a dog collar. He orderly arranges the objects on
the table. When he is done, Steve enters.
Music Cue: Music fade out
STEVE
Hey boy, I'm home.
Jim just smiles at him.
STEVE (CONT'D)
Did you miss me?
Jim nods yes.
STEVE (CONT'D)
You ready for dinner big boy?
Nods his head yes
STEVE (CONT'D)
Do you need to go for a walk first?
Jim nods no.
STEVE (CONT'D)
Okay boy, I bet you're hungry. Are you hungry?
Jim nods yes.
STEVE (CONT'D)
Okay, time for din-din?
He pours the dog food into the bowl then puts the wet stuff
on top.
STEVE (CONT'D)
Yeah that looks yummy. Eat up boy. Eat all
your food and daddy will give you a big bone!
Jim does.
STEVE (CONT'D)
Is it good?
Jim nods yes.
STEVE (CONT'D)
Okay that's enough for now. I think you need a
walk. You wanna walk?
Jim nods yes and Steve puts the collar around Jim's neck and
attaches the leash.
STEVE (CONT'D)
Okay boy, let's go.
Steve drags Jim off stage by the leash as Cooper and Robert
enter.
SCENE: COOPER & ROBERT
COOPER
So how long have you been in L.A.?
ROBERT
About three weeks.
COOPER
And you're an actor?
ROBERT
I'm trying to be.
COOPER
So what do you think of it?
ROBERT
Of what?
COOPER
L.A., what do you think of it?
ROBERT
Oh, I love it.
COOPER
Really?
ROBERT
Oh yeah, it's great.
COOPER
'Cause, you know, most people hate L.A.
ROBERT
Oh no, I love it.
COOPER
I love it too, but it's very fashionable to
hate L.A.
ROBERT
Oh no, I really like it.
COOPER
I travel all over the country and
everywhere I go I hear the same fucking
thing. "L.A.? How could you live in LA?"
But believe me, when I first got here,
believe me, I knew I was home.
ROBERT
Oh yeah, Cooper, I totally understand cause
you just seem very L.A.
COOPER
What the fuck does that mean?
ROBERT
What?
COOPER
I seem "very L.A."?
ROBERT
Oh, you know. You just seem like you fit
in.
COOPER
That's not a compliment.
ROBERT
It isn't?
COOPER
People here are completely plastic. Do I
seem plastic to you?
ROBERT
No, not at all.
COOPER
Then why did you say I seem very L.A.?
ROBERT
Oh, I was just, you know, I was
just...um...you know...just...forget it.
SCENE: JIM PHONE CALL 1
JIM
Hey Robert, write this down. Its your first
audition. Today at four o'clock. Go to 1356
West Melrose Avenue, Suite 209, that's on the
second floor, you'll be reading for a really
nice guy named Allen Yudder. He's a friend of
mine so don't be late. It's a national
commercial for Blue Boy ice cream, so please
don't fuck it up.
SCENE: ICE CREAM AUDITION #1
ALLEN
Is our four o'clock here yet?
MIKE
Not yet.
ALLEN
What do you know about him?
MIKE
He's a girl.
ALLEN
What else?
MIKE
He's a big girl.
ALLEN
What else?
MIKE
He's done Shakespeare.
ALLEN
Oh great.
Robert enters.
ROBERT
Hi guys.
ALLEN AND MIKE
Hi!!!!!!!
ALLEN
Hi, are you Robert?
ROBERT
Hi.
ALLEN
I'm Allen.
ROBERT
Am I late?
ALLEN
No, no, we were just waiting. So did your agent
give you the side?
ROBERT
No.
MIKE
He didn't?
ROBERT
No.
ALLEN
Oh sorry about that. Well here's a copy of
the side. Look it over and we'll go when
you're ready, you ready?
ROBERT
Uh....I think so.
Mike hands Robert a screwdriver.
ALLEN
Okay, this will be the ice cream cone, take
two licks, show us how good it is, then say
the line.
ROBERT
You definitely want two licks or could it
be one long one?
ALLEN
Are you trying to be creative?
ROBERT
No.
ALLEN
I'm kidding. So lick, lick, beat, tag line.
You ready?
ROBERT
Uh huh.
ALLEN
Okay, go.
He takes two licks, beat.
ROBERT
Now that's good ice cream.
ALLEN
Try it again.
Robert repeats action.
ROBERT
Now that's good ice cream.
ALLEN
It's like a tad sarcastic.
ROBERT
Really?
ALLEN
You have to believe it's the best ice cream
in the world. Go again.
Robert begins to lick but Allen interrupts.
ALLEN (CONT'D)
Like you've just won the lottery. Go.
ROBERT
(repeats action)
Now that's good ice cream.
ALLEN
No it's just, I'm sorry. You're obviously a
really talented actor, but, and don't take this
wrong because I'm a big queen myself, but it's
like got that gay thing going on.
ROBERT
Effeminate?
ALLEN
No, gay like, you know gay like um, like
who?
MIKE
Like um...Ryan Seacrest
ALLEN
No, it's not that gay...it's just...you
know, too gay, too confident. Too, "Look
at me. I'm gay, I'm well adjusted." It's
like very smug.
Try to discover that the ice cream's good.
Don't already know it. Let it all happen
for the first time. Go.
ROBERT
(repeats action)
Now that's good ice cream.
ALLEN
Much better!!!
MIKE
Oh yeah, much better!!!
ROBERT
Was it less gay?
ALLEN
Oh, it was a lot less. Didn't you think?
MIKE
Oh definitely.
ALLEN
Great, great. Robert, thank you so much.
ROBERT
No thank you!
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