SCENE: KENNY GOES OUT AGAIN
KENNY
How'd your audition go?
ROBERT
I don't want to talk about it.
KENNY
Did you get it?
ROBERT
Who knows.
KENNY
Did they like you?
ROBERT
They said I was too gay.
KENNY
They said that?
ROBERT
Actually they called me smug.
KENNY
What did you do?
ROBERT
I acted too confident.
KENNY
Was it a lot of lines?
ROBERT
No just one, 'Now that's good ice cream.'
KENNY
How'd they want you to say it?
ROBERT
Not gay.
KENNY
Were they gay?
ROBERT
Of course.
KENNY
I don't know how you do it.
ROBERT
Please, you know what a national commercial
pays???
KENNY
You are such a whore.
ROBERT
I know.
KENNY
Bye.
Kenny leaves. Robert sits for a long time. He is clearly
depressed. He goes to his backpack, pulls out a copy of
Frontiers and looks at all the hustler ads. He finds one he
likes and dials the number. When the different hustlers
appear onstage, they should look like their sexy ads.
RICHARD
Hi, I'm returning a page?
ROBERT
Hi.
RICHARD
Have we gotten together before?
ROBERT
No.
RICHARD
What's your name?
ROBERT
Fred.
RICHARD
You saw my ad?
ROBERT
Yeah.
RICHARD
Which one?
ROBERT
Frontiers.
RICHARD
So Fred, what do you get into?
ROBERT
Uh you know like, um...everything.
RICHARD
Where are you?
ROBERT
West Hollywood.
RICHARD
What's your address?
(no response)
Hello?
ROBERT
I'm gonna call you back.
He hangs up.
RICHARD
Whatever.
Robert looks for a different ad and then calls it.
STEVE
Hello. Hello?
ROBERT
(in a really deep voice)
Hi.
STEVE
Hi.
ROBERT
Hi.
STEVE
Hi.
ROBERT
Hello.
STEVE
Hello, how ya doing?
ROBERT
I'm Fine. How are you doing?
STEVE
I'm fine. How are you doing?
ROBERT
I'm fine. How are you...
(to himself)
What the fuck...?
STEVE
Do I know you?
ROBERT
No.
STEVE
What's your name?
ROBERT
(thinks for a minute)
Peter.
Robert cringes at what a stupid name he came up with.
STEVE
Peter.
ROBERT
Yeah.
STEVE
Do you have a last name?
ROBERT
No. I mean yeah.
STEVE
(Steve laughs)
What is it?
ROBERT
Uh, Zeta-Jones.
Robert cringes at what a stupid last name he came up with.
STEVE
Are you related to Catherine?
ROBERT
Who?
STEVE
Never mind.
ROBERT
Oh, no, I'm not related to Catherine
Zeta...
STEVE
So what are you up to today?
ROBERT
I gotta go. Goodbye.
Hangs up. Picks up phone and dials the Ex-con.
EX CON
Hello?
(Long pause)
Hello?
(Long pause)
I can hear you breathing.
Robert quickly hangs up. After a few beats, he decides to
call back. The ex-con enters.
EX-CON
Hello?
ROBERT
Uh, yeah, I was wondering...so, like, what
do you do exactly?
EX-CON
I'm strictly a top.
ROBERT
OK! And were you really in prison?
EX-CON
Three years.
ROBERT
Okay, good. So did you rape guys in
prison?
EX-CON
Uh huh.
ROBERT
How many?
EX-CON
A few.
ROBERT
Ok that's hot. So, like, will you rape me?
EX-CON
If that's what you want.
ROBERT
I wouldn't mind getting raped.
EX-CON
I'll rape you.
ROBERT
How much does a raping cost?
EX-CON
One fifty.
ROBERT
Condoms?
EX-CON
Of course.
ROBERT
How long?
EX-CON
I don't put a time limit on it.
Robert hears the sound of a key-chain being jangled.
ROBERT
I'm gonna call you back.
Kenny enters.
KENNY
Robert.
ROBERT
What?
KENNY
What are you doing?
ROBERT
I thought you guys were going out.
KENNY
Are we disturbing you?
ROBERT
No.
KENNY
What are you doing?
ROBERT
Just reading Frontiers.
KENNY
Oh there's a really interesting article about
the relationship between crystal and credit card
debt.
ROBERT
Fascinating.
KENNY
No seriously. They found that on average gay
men in West Hollywood who do crystal have higher
credit card bills because they're up all night
with nothing to do so they order a bunch of shit
from the shopping network and they call the
psychic lines and the phone sex lines. They did
a whole survey of gay men in West Hollywood.
ROBERT
Fabulous.
Steve enters.
KENNY
Did you find parking?
STEVE
Yeah, three blocks away.
KENNY
I know, it's kinda problematic.
STEVE
Just a bit.
KENNY
(To Robert)
We'll leave you alone.
ROBERT
Oh no, I'm fine.
KENNY
We'll try to be quiet.
ROBERT
Yeah, that'd be a first.
Steve and Kenny exit. Robert sits and calls back the Ex-con.
EX-CON
Hello.
ROBERT
Hi, it's me again.
EX-CON
Hi.
ROBERT
So what all does it entail?
EX-CON
What?
ROBERT
Getting raped.
EX-CON
Oh. Well, I just throw you down and fuck
your hole.
ROBERT
Okay! But is it, like, really verbal?
EX-CON
Very.
ROBERT
Oh, good I like that.
EX-CON
And rough.
ROBERT
I've never done it before.
EX-CON
Rough?
ROBERT
Paid for sex.
EX-CON
Oh.
ROBERT
It makes me a little nervous.
EX-CON
It's no big deal.
ROBERT
Your ad intrigued me.
EX-CON
Thank you.
ROBERT
I've always wanted to get raped.
EX-CON
Here's your chance.
ROBERT
I'm just a little nervous.
EX-CON
You're in control.
ROBERT
I know.
EX-CON
So what do you wanna do?
ROBERT
I'm gonna call you back.
Robert hangs up. Robert pauses for a moment then calls back
the Ex-Con.
EX-CON
Hello.
ROBERT
It's me again.
EX-CON
What's up?
ROBERT
I don't think I'm ready.
EX-CON
You sure?
ROBERT
Yeah.
EX-CON
Well if you change your mind.
ROBERT
Actually I have a really strange request.
EX-CON
I've heard 'em all.
ROBERT
This is really strange don't laugh at me.
EX-CON
I'm sure I've heard it before.
ROBERT
Well, I was wondering, and I understand if
you don't wanna do it, but I was wondering,
if I drop some money off to you, would you
tell me prison stories for the same amount
of time as if we'd gotten together? You
know like for the same time it would take
you to rape me?
EX-CON
Most guys mail it in.
ROBERT
What do you mean?
EX-CON
When most guys want to have phone sex, they
mail me a check, or a money order or
sometimes cash, and when I get it I call
them back.
ROBERT
So you've done it before?
EX-CON
All the time.
ROBERT
But I wanted to do it tonight so that's why
I was wondering if I put it in a paper bag
or something, then I came over and left it
on your porch. Put the money like in a
paper bag or something then I knocked on
your door, you could get the money tonight.
You know what I mean?
EX-CON
Yeah that might work.
ROBERT
Cause I don't wanna see you. So I'll just
leave the money on the porch. And don't
come out for like five minutes after I
knock. Okay?
EX-CON
I can do that.
ROBERT
Really?
EX-CON
Sure.
ROBERT
Do you have really good stories?
EX-CON
Really good.
ROBERT
Are they mean?
EX-CON
Yeah they're mean.
ROBERT
Okay, so how much would it be?
EX-CON
For phone sex? A hundred bucks.
ROBERT
Really?
EX-CON
Yeah.
ROBERT
For phone sex?
EX-CON
They're good stories.
ROBERT
I'm sure they are. It's just that a
hundred bucks seems high.
EX-CON
How 'bout eighty?
ROBERT
I guess that's fine.
EX-CON
Okay, you're coming over now?
ROBERT
I'll put it in a brown paper bag and it'll
be on your step. Okay?
EX-CON
Great.
ROBERT
Where do you live?
EX-CON
Got a pen?
ROBERT
Hold on.
SCENE: JIM PHONECALL 2-CALLS ROBERT ABOUT HIS CALLBACK
Jim comes out naked putting a dog collar on.
JIM
Hi Robert it's Jim. Sorry to call you so late,
I'm still at the office. But I wanted to let
you know I just got a call from Allen Yudder he
thought you read great, he wants to see you
again so call me first thing in the morning.
Hope you're having a good time, talk to you
later.
SCENE: ROBERT MEETS NAKED STEVE
Steve enters, he is naked.
STEVE
Which way is the bathroom?
KENNY
(from offstage)
Straight ahead.
Robert enters, grabs phone, dials. Ex-con appears with bag of
money.
ROBERT
Did you get the money?
EX-CON
Yep.
ROBERT
It's all in there?
EX-CON
It's all here.
ROBERT
Good.
Robert sees Steve coming back down the hall. Robert is shocked
to see him.
Robert (CONT'D)
Darling, just make yourself at home.
STEVE
Sorry.
ROBERT
No problem at all, honey.
STEVE
See you tomorrow.
KENNY
What are you guys talking about out there?
STEVE
I better go.
KENNY
Get in here. What did Mama Cass say to you?
Steve exits.
ROBERT
(back to Ex-con)
Are you still there?
EX-CON
I'm here.
ROBERT
Okay, alright, okay, so...
(long pause),)
...tell me a story.
EX-CON
Are you ready?
ROBERT
Yes.
EX-CON
You sure?
ROBERT
Yes I am definitely ready.
EX-CON
Alright, so it was his first night in the
slammer and he was really scared.
ROBERT
And what's his name?
EX-CON
I don't know? Joe!
ROBERT
Okay great...
EX-CON
Sooo its his first night...
ROBERT
Wait, wait, wait, and how old is he?
EX-CON
Nineteen.
ROBERT
Okay great,
EX-CON
Sooo its his first night...
ROBERT
Oh and what's he in for?
EX-CON
I don't now, shoplifting
ROBERT
Okay great...
EX-CON
So it's was his first time in jail. And I
went right up to him and I said, "listen
here you punk-ass bitch."
ROBERT
Noooo! You called him that?
EX-CON
I said I did, didn't I?
ROBERT
You called him "a punk-ass bitch"?
EX-CON
You wanna talk or you wanna listen?
(long pause, Robert is
mortified)
And he started crying. And I started
laughing. And one by one my buddies came
in.
ROBERT
Oh my God.
EX-CON
You like my stories?
ROBERT
Oh my God, are you kidding?
EX-CON
I have a lot more.
ROBERT
I think I have to see you.
EX-CON
Get over here.
ROBERT
Right now?
EX-CON
Yeah, right now.
ROBERT
I can't.
EX-CON
You listen, you punk-ass bitch. Are you
listening? Hey, pussy boy, you still
there?
ROBERT
I'm here.
EX-CON
Get your punk-ass over here right now!
ROBERT
I really can't!
EX-CON
You have no choice.
ROBERT
I have to go.
EX-CON
Don't you hang up. I'll find you. You know
I will.
ROBERT
Um...I need to go now.
EX-CON
I'll come over there, boy, and it won't be
pretty.
ROBERT
You don't know where I live.
EX-CON
You ever heard of caller I.D.?
Robert is terrified, doesn't know what to do.
ROBERT
Fuck!
Robert hangs up fast and runs off stage.
SCENE: JIM PHONECALL 3-CALLS ROBERT ABOUT THE NEW SIDE
JIM
Hi Robert, it's Jim. It's Saturday morning,
you're probably still sleeping, you lazy
motherfucker. Hopefully you got my messages
from last night. I got the new side this
morning. If you wanna come over and pick it up
I'll make sure it's at the front desk. They
said it's a little different. Give me a call
when you get up and congratulations, we're
crossing our fingers.
SCENE: KENNY AND ROBERT EAT BREAKFAST
Kenny and Robert are eating breakfast cereal together.
KENNY
Have you ever been in love?
ROBERT
No.
KENNY
Well, I'm so in love with Steve I can't
even talk about it.
ROBERT
Then don't.
KENNY
Seriously.
ROBERT
It's too depressing.
KENNY
It really is.
ROBERT
I know it is.
KENNY
No, it is. I think about him all the time. I
save his messages and listen to him over and
over. And I don't even know him that well. But
it's like when we're together we just have this
connection.
ROBERT
You've only known him a few months.
KENNY
I know. I've never met his parents. I've
never met his friends. He doesn't talk
about his work that much. But it's like
it's okay because when I'm with him I just
feel so content. It's the most honest
relationship I've ever been in with a man.
ROBERT
Well that is so special.
KENNY
Oh don't be bitter.
ROBERT
I'm sorry, I'm just so tired of anonymous
sex. I wanna meet somebody, too, you know?
I wanna be wanted by somebody who really
likes me. I want to be adored by somebody
who is passionately attracted to me. I'm
so sick of just fumbling in the dark with
strangers. I'm so over that.
KENNY
Well I don't know what to say.
ROBERT
Am I that ugly?
KENNY
Of course not.
ROBERT
Do I really look like Mama Cass, you mother
fucker?
KENNY
You're cute.
ROBERT
Am I?
KENNY
Yes.
ROBERT
Am I really?
KENNY
You're pretty, Lizzie you're pretty.
ROBERT
Am I a pretty girl mama?
KENNY
You're so pretty.
ROBERT
Maybe you should be my boyfriend?
KENNY
Okay.
ROBERT
Maybe when Steve dumps you, we can shack up
together.
KENNY
He's not going to dump me.
ROBERT
We'll see.
KENNY
What is this?
ROBERT
It's my new side.
KENNY
I thought that was over.
ROBERT
They called me back.
KENNY
What do you say?
Kenny takes paper and reads the line.
KENNY (CONT'D)
'Wow that's good ice cream.'
ROBERT
They changed it.
KENNY
What did you used to say?
ROBERT
'Now that's good ice cream.'
KENNY
'Now that's good ice cream?'
ROBERT
Yeah.
KENNY
Instead of 'Wow that's good ice cream?'
ROBERT
Yeah.
KENNY
Girl, you better rehearse.
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