6 SCENE 6 RICKY CALLS PARENTS
RICKY
Mom tell Dad to pick up the other phone, I have really good
news. Dad? Hi. Mom? Are you back Mom? Great. OK, first
of all I got all my classes and I got a great job. In a law firm.
7 dollars an hour. I know, that's what I was thinking. So I'm
not gonna have any problem covering my tuition in January.
Well of course, yeah. But I'm sure the job's gonna work out, I
mean so far it's great. Mom, when do you have your surgery?
Do you need me home that weekend? I can come home, it's
not that much. I get paid every two weeks. I'm not gonna
blow all my money. Most of it's going right to the bank. Don't
worry Mom, you worry too much.
So I'm gonna come home the week of your surgery. Just plan
on me being there. I'll call you next week. It's not that much
to call Bakersfield from San Francisco. No, it's not that much.
Don't worry Mom, I told you I have a great job!
Ricky exits, his light goes out, music resumes and Ray continues his show. He cums and is
done.
7 SCENE 7 JAMIE & RAY RECONCILE
Offstage Voice
Let's give a warm hand for Ray Tanner.
(Scattered applause, Ray leaves 'stage' and goes to dressing area. Lights come up on
stage left table as Ray gets to it. Music fades out and Jamie opens the door and applauds
Ray.)
RAY
Oh my God!
JAMIE
(Crossing to him.)
You were sensational Barbra.
RAY
Thank you.
JAMIE
The lights, the people.
RAY
How are you?
JAMIE
I'm great. How are you?
RAY
Oh my God. It's so good to see you.
JAMIE
Nice outfit.
RAY
Thank you darling. Just my little backstage attire.
JAMIE
Ahhh, the theatre.
RAY
So what's up?
JAMIE
We want you back.
RAY
You're still with Arthur?
JAMIE
What do you think?
RAY
No comment.
JAMIE
We really want you.
RAY
I'd love to, but it's not acceptable for me to be paid in 1982
for work I did in 1981.
JAMIE
I'm sorry.
RAY
It's not you Jamie.
JAMIE
No, it's my fault too.
RAY
Jamie everyone knows Art is a huge asshole.
JAMIE
I know.
RAY
so what's the movie.
JAMIE
It's called Cops.
RAY
Original. I like it.
JAMIE
It's about cops.
RAY
Noooo!
JAMIE
Clever huh?
RAY
Who'd have thought?
JAMIE
And you play...
RAY
Wait, let me guess.... Um, a florist?
JAMIE
No.
RAY
A hairdresser?
JAMIE
No.
RAY
A cop?
JAMIE NO.
Ray
I DON'T PLAY A COP?
jamie
No.
RAY
I want to be a cop.
JAMIE
You play a plumber.
RAY
What?
JAMIE
You play this plumber who goes over to a cop's house on
Saturday and you guys end up getting it on.
RAY
You mean we have sex?
JAMIE
Yes.
RAY
On screen?
JAMIE
Yes.
RAY
In front of everyone?
JAMIE
Unfortunately yes.
RAY?
Is that all?
JAMIE
And then there's a scene where you get pulled over for not
having your truck registered and they take you downtown.
RAY
Ooooh.
JAMIE
And then there's the big group scene...
RAY
And everyone stands around and jacks off on me and I end
up with cum all over my chest.
JAMIE
Basically.
RAY
He's such an innovator.
JAMIE
That's the role.
RAY
How much?
JAMIE
That's what we need to talk about.
RAY
You're not gonna like my offer.
JAMIE
What.
RAY
Twenty-five hundred.
JAMIE
Twenty-five hundred?
RAY
I just shot a film for Rawhide video and I got twenty-five
hundred.
JAMIE
Really?
RAY
And I've made a lot of films for Arthur.
JAMIE
I know.
RAY
And that's what I want.
JAMIE
Well he really wants you.
RAY
What was his offer?
JAMIE
He didn't say.
RAY
I think twenty-five hundred is fair.
JAMIE
I guess we can do that.
RAY
To be paid the morning of the shoot.
JAMIE
I understand.
RAY
What's the schedule?
JAMIE
Saturday at ten, but after that I need to check. So I'll call you
tonight with the rest of the dates.
RAY
Sounds good.
JAMIE
Great.
RAY
I can't wait to get back on a set with Arthur.
JAMIE
Just try to stay calm.
RAY
Has he gotten better or worse.
JAMIE
He never changes.
RAY
Great.
JAMIE
So Saturday at ten. But I'll call you.
RAY
OK.
JAMIE
I'll let you go.
RAY
I'm almost on again.
JAMIE
Break a leg.
RAY
Oh I will.
JAMIE
Smile baby.
RAY
It's great seeing you again.
JAMIE
You look good.
RAY
I try.
JAMIE
Is there a pay phone?
(Jamie crosses to the door and opens it.)
RAY
Right in the lobby.
JAMIE
Great.
RAY
See ya later.
JAMIE
I'll call you tonight.
(He closes the door. Art crosses to the left side of the door holding a phone. Jamie appears
on the right side of the door also with a phone. A spotlight lights up just the door.)
8 SCENE 8 JAMIE TELLS ART HE GOT RAY
Jamie
I got him.
ARTHUR
How much?
JAMIE
Twenty-five hundred.
ARTHUR
What?
JAMIE
That's what he wanted.
ARTHUR
No.
JAMIE
You said...
ARTHUR
Twenty-five hundred ?
JAMIE
I asked you.
ARTHUR
Jamie.
JAMIE
That was his price.
ARTHUR
No way.
JAMIE
That's what he asked for.
ARTHUR
No fucking way.
JAMIE
Why did I ask? Because I knew you.
ARTHUR
Twenty-five hundred Jamie? Twenty-five hundred?
JAMIE
I asked you over and over.
ARTHUR
I should have gone myself.
JAMIE
You should have.
ARTHUR
Next time I will.
JAMIE
Fine.
ARTHUR
Call him and tell him he can't get twenty-five hundred.
JAMIE
I'm not gonna call him and tell him that.
ARTHUR
You offered it.
JAMIE
You call him.
ARTHUR
YOU MADE THE RIDICULOUS OFFER.
Jamie
YOU'E THE ONE THAT WANTED HIM
Arthur
JUST CALL HIM UP AND TELL HIM YOU MADE A MISTAKE.
JAMIE
I didn't make a mistake.
ARTHUR
You didn't?
JAMIE
No.
ARTHUR
Who did then?
JAMIE
You because you wouldn't give me a ballpark.
ARTHUR
Oh good Jamie, blame me for your fuck up.
JAMIE
You said I don't care about money, I care about making
Cops.
ARTHUR
I didn't mean I don't care about money.
JAMIE
What does 'I don't care about money' mean?
ARTHUR
It means I don't care about money but it doesn't mean that
money shouldn't be cared about.
JAMIE
You could have called him.
ARTHUR
I write the films, I direct the films, what the fuck do I need you
for if I'm gonna do everything myself?
JAMIE
My three minutes are up.
ARTHUR
Put another quarter in.
JAMIE
We can't afford it.
ARTHUR
Jamie...
(We hear recording "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again).
9 SCENE 9 HAMLET AUDITION
JACK
Hi! Thank you for seeing me. I really appreciate it. I know
you're running behind but I have a really short piece so I just
need a minute.
(He warms up for 3 seconds and begins the 'too too solid flesh' monologue from Hamlet).
I'll be doing Hamlet from the play Hamlet. Act one Scene two.
"Oh that this too, too solid flesh would melt, thaw and resolve
itself into a dew. Or that the"... Can I start over?..
10 SCENE 10 JACK WANDERS IN
ARTHUR
OK guys, let's look at this and remember, you enter when
Jamie says 'ding dong' And...
JAMIE
Ding dong.
RAY
Hi. You have a problem with your plumbing? I'm the plumber.
RICKY
Great dude. Come on in. My girlfriend's asleep upstairs so try
not to make too much noise banging on my pipes.
RAY
Don't worry kid. I'll go easy.
RICKY
It's right in here.
(Ray 'the plumber' starts to work and gets sweaty quickly).
RAY
Wow, it sure is hot down here.
(He takes off shirt).
RICKY
Sure is. Hey you must work out.
RAY
Not much. I just get a work out fixing people's pipes.
RICKY
I've been working out.
(He takes off shirt).
What do you think?
RAY
That's pretty good. Let me check 'em out. Oooo that feels
great dude.
RICKY
Yeah, you like that?
RAY
Uh huh.
ARTHUR
Stop. Guys what the fuck is this? It's way too stiff.
RICKY
I'm sorry.
ARTHUR
You need to relax.
RICKY
I'll be better next time.
ARTHUR
I hope.
RICKY
I will.
ARTHUR
And Ray, you said 'Oooo that feels great dude' and the line is
'that feels great guy'.
RAY
'That feels great guy'?
ARTHUR
Yeah, not dude.
RAY
Oh.
ARTHUR
And not 'Oooo that feels great'. Oooo is too queenie. Just
'That feels great guy'. Got it? Got it? OK, let's butch it up
and do it again.
(They do it again).
RAY
Hi. You have a problem with your plumbing? I'm the plumber.
ARTHUR
Butcher!
RICKY
Yo man. My bitch is asleep upstairs, I got a goddamn leak in
the sink get in there and fix my fuckin' pipes!
RAY
You got it baby..
RICKY
Right there.
RAY
Wow, it sure is hot down here.
(He takes off shirt).
RICKY
Goddamn, you must work out.
RAY
Not much. I just get a work out fixing people's pipes.
RICKY
I've been pumpin' up.
(He takes off shirt).
What do you think?
RAY
That's pretty good. Let me check 'em out. That feels great
guy.
ARTHUR
Great. That was perfect. OK, let's get 'em into costume.
Jamie, did you bring the work belt?
JAMIE
It's in the car.
ARTHUR
Ray come with me, I need you to try it on.
(To Jamie).
Can you make sure Ricky's sweats work?
JAMIE
You brought your sweats right?
RICKY
Yeah. Do you want me to put 'em on now?
JAMIE
Yeah.
RICKY
(Getting sweats. They are bright pink).
Was I awful?
JAMIE
No you were good.
RICKY
I was more nervous in front of Arthur. He makes me nervous.
JAMIE
He makes everyone nervous.
RICKY
He's kind of creepy.
JAMIE
He's an asshole.
RICKY
He takes it very seriously.
JAMIE
He wants to make a porno that becomes a crossover hit like
Debbie Does Dallas.
RICKY
That was a crossover hit?
JAMIE
Well, it was famous.
RICKY
I'm sure Cops will be huge.
JAMIE
Right.
Do I have other lines?
JAMIE (CONT'D)
I don't think so.
RICKY
Arthur said I'd have a lot of lines.
JAMIE
It's a porno honey. That is a lot of lines.
RICKY
Oh.
JAMIE
Besides, I thought you wanted to be a lawyer not a porn star.
RICKY
Well I won't be a lawyer for eight years. I'm still doing under
grad stuff.
JAMIE
How old are you?
RICKY
Nineteen.
JAMIE
Oh.
Ricky
I'll be twenty next month.
JAMIE (CONT'D)
You don't look nineteen.
RICKY
Everybody says that.
JAMIE
I was 19 once.
RICKY
How old are you?
JAMIE
I don't remember.
RICKY
Come on.
JAMIE
RICKY
That's not that old.
JAMIE
I'm 32.
RICKY
Oh.
JAMIE
Oh, he says.
RICKY
So how long have you known Arthur?
JAMIE
Too long.
RICKY
I thought you were married.
JAMIE
Well we don't celebrate anniversaries.
RICKY
Oh.
JAMIE
So do your parents know their son is about to embark on a
major porn career?
RICKY
No they don't and no I'm not.
JAMIE
I hope your dad doesn't go to adult movies.
RICKY
My Dad's a Mormon.
JAMIE
How do you know he doesn't cheat on his wives?
RICKY
Very funny.
ARTHUR
Those are the sweats?
RICKY
Yeah.
ARTHUR
No, no, no. You can't wear that color and say 'My girlfriends
upstairs.' Is that all you brought?
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
I thought they'd be fine.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Honey, no these are , I'm sorry. Jamie you know he can't
wear that color.
JAMIE
I thought they'd be OK.
ARTHUR
Ray's ready to shoot.
RAY
Do I look butch?
ARTHUR
I wanted to shoot this scene now.
JAMIE
Well that's all we have.
ARTHUR
No, no no. These are awful. I mean they're fine sweats but
not for this scene. Jamie they need to be butcher, like cut off.
Don't you have those gray sweats we used before?
JAMIE
I think so.
ARTHUR
Yes or no.
JAMIE
Yes, I think so.
ARTHUR
OK. You guys go get the sweats and come right back. In
fact, put 'em on in the car because we're already behind and I
need to shoot that scene the minute you get back. So would
you please hurry back guys?
JACK
(Entering).
Excuse me.
ARTHUR
Can I help you?
JACK
I'm looking for Arthur Mack.
ARTHUR
That's me.
JACK
Hi, I'm Jack Hawk. I got your number from Gino Colbert.
ARTHUR
Oh Gino. How's he doing?
JACK
Fine I guess.
ARTHUR
He's a schmuck.
RAY
I'll leave you two alone.
ARTHUR
So how do you know Gino?
JACK
I made a few films for him.
ARTHUR
Oh.
JACK
Nothing much.
ARTHUR
Did you do those stupid greeting cards?
JACK
No.
ARTHUR
He's made a mint off those. That was my idea.
JACK
I didn't do 'em.
ARTHUR
Good. They're tacky.
JACK
Well he's in Europe for six months and I'm kinda looking for
work and he suggested that I call you.
ARTHUR
That was gracious of him.
JACK
He's a nice guy.
ARTHUR
No he's not but anyway, What kind of stuff did you do for
Gino?
JACK
Mostly I'd just jack-off and then he'd intersperse other scenes
as if I was having these fantasies.
ARTHUR
But of course you weren't.
JACK
What?
ARTHUR
You're straight right?
JACK
Actually.
ARTHUR
You look straight.
JACK
I am.
ARTHUR
Are you married?
JACK
Yup.
ARTHUR
Does your wife know?
JACK
No.
ARTHUR
What if she found out?
JACK
She won't find out.
ARTHUR
But what if she did?
JACK
That doesn't matter.
ARTHUR
I don't want some crazed straight woman firebombing my
house.
JACK
She's not like that.
ARTHUR
She has no idea that you make these films?
JACK
No.
ARTHUR
What if your career took off?
JACK
It won't.
ARTHUR
But what if it did?
JACK
That's part of the deal, you can't put my picture on the cover
of any video and you can't use my picture with any publicity or
sales promotions.
ARTHUR
I understand. So will you get fucked?
JACK
Up the ass?
ARTHUR
Do you have a hole I don't know about?
JACK
No.
ARTHUR
Of course up the ass.
JACK
I'd prefer not to.
ARTHUR
Will you fuck?
JACK
Well I'd be more comfortable just jacking off
ARTHUR
Yes or no.
JACK
What kind of money are we talking about?
ARTHUR
It depends on what you're willing to do.
JACK
I can't just jack off?
ARTHUR
Not in this film.
JACK
I don't know about fucking some guy up the ass.
ARTHUR
Do you know what kind of movie studio this is?
JACK
Yes.
ARTHUR
It's not MGM.
JACK
I know.
ARTHUR
We fuck in these films.
JACK
I know.
ARTHUR
So you fuck or get fucked.
JACK
(Exhales).
ARTHUR
Most guys don't get their choice.
JACK
I understand.
ARTHUR
But you're cute.
JACK
Thank you.
ARTHUR
So I'll give you a choice.
JACK
I'd prefer to do the fucking.
ARTHUR
Fine.
JACK
How much?
ARTHUR
One scene of fucking and one jacking off.
JACK
How much time are we talking about?
ARTHUR
Well I usually shoot on weekends so we're probably looking at
two weekends at the most.
JACK
I can do that.
ARTHUR
And I need to see you naked.
JACK
I have a good body.
ARTHUR
I need to see it.
JACK
You can't tell?
ARTHUR
I'll see it sooner or later.
JACK
(Exhales again).
ARTHUR
Oh come on, do you think I'm being unreasonable?
JACK
Fine.
(He undresses Dialogue does not continue until he is completely undressed).
ARTHUR
Well You're right. You have a great body.
JACK
I told you.
ARTHUR
Oh my God. You should hustle.
JACK
I don't think so.
ARTHUR
You could make a fortune.
JACK
That's OK.
ARTHUR
I'd pay you to fuck me.
JACK
How much?
ARTHUR
A hundred bucks.
JACK
THAT'S OK.
Arthur
TWO HUNDRED.
Jack
I'd prefer just to make the movie first and see how that goes.
ARTHUR
Fine. So how much do you want?
JACK
Two thousand.
ALL RIGHT. BUT DON'T TELL THAT TO ANYBODY ELSE
ON THE SET BECAUSE IT'S A LOT MORE THAN ANYBODY
ELSE IS GETTING.
JACK
No problem.
ARTHUR
And I need to take a few Polaroids of you just to show my
assistant.
JACK
Can I get 'em back the day of the shoot?
ARTHUR
No problem.
JACK
OK.
ARTHUR
Come with me. Say Cheese.
(they walk out)
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