11 SCENE 11 TRYING ON SWEATS
JAMIE
Try these on. They're from Summer School with Luke
Stunner.
RICKY
Who?
JAMIE
Never mind.
RICKY
They should fit.
JAMIE
I liked the pink ones.
RICKY
Well he said bring sweats. He didn't say bring gray sweats.
JAMIE
It's no big deal.
RICKY
Don't you get tired of him?
JAMIE
All the time.
RICKY
I don't know how you do it.
RICKY (CONT'D)
Well if I wasn't working on Cops I'd never have met you.
RICKY (CONT'D)
I bet you say that to all the actors.
JAMIE
No.
(Pause).
You're adorable.
RICKY
Really?
JAMIE
Would you believe me if I showed you my hard-on.
RICKY
You're hard?
JAMIE
Maybe.
RICKY
I wanna see.
JAMIE
Come here.
RICKY
But my girlfriends sleeping upstairs.
JAMIE
(They kiss)
Oooo that feels good guy.
(They kiss again).
RICKY
Oooo that feels good dude.
JAMIE
That feels good miss thing.
RICKY
That feels good Mary.
(They laugh and kiss).
12 SCENE 12 JACK TELLS LINDA HE GOT A JOB
JACK
Good news.
LINDA
You got a callback?
JACK
I got a job.
LINDA
An acting job?
JACK
An acting job!
LINDA
Jack!
JACK
Two thousand dollars for two weekends.
LINDA
That's great.
JACK
I'm happy.
LINDA
What's the job?
JACK
It's a new script.
LINDA
What do you do?
JACK
Actually it's an educational video.
LINDA
Oh.
Jack For elementary schools.
LINDA (CONT'D)
Oh.
JACK
But the money.
LINDA
That's great.
JACK
I thought you'd be happy.
LINDA
I'm thrilled.
JACK
What'd I tell you?
LINDA
You told me.
JACK
And once things start hitting.
LINDA
What's your role?
JACK
I play a cop in one scene.
LINDA
Great.
JACK
But there's other things too.
LINDA
This is fabulous.
JACK
It's a great gig.
LINDA
Two thousand dollars.
JACK
I already signed the contract.
LINDA
Will you get a copy of the video?
JACK
I'm not sure.
LINDA
You have to get a copy to show people.
JACK
I'll ask about it.
LINDA
We can show it at the family reunion next month.
JACK
I don't think they finish 'em that fast.
LINDA
Well, you know what I mean
.(Beat)
And the winner is... Jack
Linda, it's an educational video.
LINDA (CONT'D)
Well you have to start somewhere.
13 SCENE 13: ART TELLS JAMIE ABOUT JACK AND SHOWS HIM THE POLAROIDS.
ARTHUR
So what do you think?
JAMIE
Not bad.
ARTHUR
Not bad? He's perfect.
JAMIE
He just walked in?
ARTHUR
Like a gift from the Gods.
JAMIE
He's definitely hot.
ARTHUR
Tell me.
JAMIE
He'll sell videos.
ARTHUR
And I smelled money the minute I saw him.
JAMIE
How much did you offer him?
ARTHUR
Two thousand.
JAMIE
And he agreed?
ARTHUR
Of course.
JAMIE
He's worth it I guess.
ARTHUR
Oh please. I'd much rather pay two thousand for that than
some tired queen from the Campus Theater.
JAMIE
Art.
ARTHUR
This boy has star quality.
JAMIE
You say that about all of them.
ARTHUR
No, but this one...
JAMIE
Can he act?
ARTHUR
Who cares?
JAMIE
Did you read him?
ARTHUR
It doesn't matter.
JAMIE
I guess you're right.
ARTHUR
A little enthusiasm would be nice.
JAMIE
I'm excited.
ARTHUR
We could make a fortune off this boy. He could be the next
Jeff Stryker.
JAMIE
Jeff Stryker has a huge dick, a perfect body and a beautiful
face.
ARTHUR
And he doesn't?
JAMIE
Not like Jeff Stryker.
ARTHUR
Oh fuck you. He's a god. He's a fucking cash cow waiting to
be milked. And if we put him on the cover of Cops it's like
money in the bank..
JAMIE
I thought you said he wouldn't allow that.
ARTHUR
He did but fuck him. How will he know.
JAMIE
Arthur.
ARTHUR
He'll never find out.
JAMIE
He might.
ARTHUR
You wanna make money?
JAMIE
Yes.
ARTHUR
Then get over it.
JAMIE
I thought you told me you agreed...
ARTHUR
"Oops".
JAMIE
I wouldn't risk it.
ARTHUR
"Sorry Jack. We screwed up".
JAMIE
I think you're asking for trouble.
ARTHUR
Don't get moral on me Jamie.
JAMIE
It's not about morality, it's about keeping agreements.
ARTHUR
That's why you're not the producer.
JAMIE
It's a shitty thing to do.
ARTHUR
No. It's shitty to make porn and not tell your wife.
JAMIE
What if she finds out?
ARTHUR
She'd cut his dick off. But what would we care, we'd be rich
and we wouldn't need it anymore.
JAMIE
You're a shit Arthur.
ARTHUR
Oh I'm bored with this conversation.
JAMIE
I have to go.
ARTHUR
Where are you going?
JAMIE
I'm meeting Ray for a drink.
ARTHUR
Oh I want to go.
JAMIE
I'd prefer to go alone.
Arthur
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
JAMIE
Nothing.
ARTHUR
You're so down all the time.
JAMIE
No I'm not.
ARTHUR
I hit the jackpot and you're like "OK well that's nice".
JAMIE
I'm excited.
ARTHUR
So let's go out and celebrate.
JAMIE
I don't really want to go out tonight.
ARTHUR
Yes you do. You just really don't want to go out with me.
JAMIE
We had dinner last night.
ARTHUR
We're married.
JAMIE
Fine.
ARTHUR
We should have dinner every night.
JAMIE
I need to go.
ARTHUR
Have fun.
14 SCENE 14 JAMIE & RICKY "YOU WERE GREAT"
(Ricky is in his dorm room when Jamie knocks on door).
JAMIE
I heard you had a problem with your plumbing? I'm the
plumber.
RICKY
Jamie.
JAMIE
Hi.
RICKY
What are you doing here?
JAMIE
I wanted to get the notes from today's lecture.
RICKY
What a great surprise.
JAMIE
I wanted to see you.
RICKY
I was just thinking about you.
JAMIE
What were you thinking?
RICKY
I love my new lines.
JAMIE
I thought you would.
RICKY
I do.
JAMIE
I told Arthur 'he's a star, give him more lines'.
RICKY
You really think I'm good?
JAMIE
YOU'RE GREAT.
Ricky
I feel like I suck. I'm not too queenie to play a cop?
JAMIE
You're perfect.
RICKY
I love doing 'em.
JAMIE
You look great on video.
RICKY
I don't look fat?
JAMIE
No.
RICKY
I feel like I look fat.
JAMIE
Ricky you look fine.
RICKY
Thank you. So how are you?
JAMIE
I'm fine.
RICKY
How's Art?
JAMIE
Still an asshole.
RICKY
Where did you tell him you were going/
JAMIE
Just to a bar.
RICKY
He doesn't suspect anything?
JAMIE
FUCK HIM.
RICKY
What if he found out?
JAMIE
I don't care.
RICKY
I don't want any problems.
JAMIE
It's fine, I promise.
RICKY
OK. So. You just came over to borrow some sugar?
JAMIE
Something like that.
RICKY
How's your plumbing.
( They kiss)
JAMIE
Fine now.
(THEY KISS).
RICKY
Haveyou been working out?
JAMIE
No.
RICKY
Let me see.
(He takes off Jamie's shirt. They begin to tear each others clothes off, kissing passionately
the whole time. It should be very sweet. They undress each other and get into bed).
15 SCENE 15 ART CALLS RAY
ARTHUR
Ray? Hi its Arthur. You sound different. Oh, I'm sorry. I
thought you kept late hours. It's three o'clock? Oh my God.
I didn't realize. I'm just looking for Jamie and I thought maybe
he was with you. You haven't seen him at all tonight? No, it's
OK. I'm just worried that's all. I'm sure he's fine. No. Go
back to bed. It's no big deal. He'll probably walk in the
minute I hang up. Go back to sleep honey. I'll see you on
Sunday. You're doing great by the way. Yes, you're the
perfect plumber. You're welcome. OK. Bye.
16 SCENE 16 JAMIE LEAVES RICKY'S
JAMIE
I should go, you have classes in the morning.
RICKY
You can stay.
JAMIE
I want to.
RICKY
Stay.
JAMIE
I can't
RICKY
I want to wake up with you.
JAMIE
I'd love that.
RICKY
Then stay.
JAMIE
I can't.
RICKY
Arthur?
JAMIE
He'll be waiting.
RICKY
Call him.
JAMIE
He'll want to fight.
RICKY
Then don't go home.
JAMIE
I have to go.
RICKY
OK.
JAMIE
But I'd love to stay.
RICKY
It's all right.
JAMIE
Ricky, you have no idea how much I want to stay here
tonight.
RICKY
I know.
JAMIE
No you don't
RICKY
I do.
JAMIE
I just have to deal with this Arthur mess.
RICKY
Don't tell him about me.
JAMIE
I won't.
RICKY
He'll fire me.
JAMIE
Don't worry.
RICKY
Do you have sex a lot?
JAMIE
No. Do you?
RICKY
Yeah, but not like us.
JAMIE
What do you mean?
RICKY
It's just different with you. If feels more important.
JAMIE
Really?
RICKY
Does it for you?
JAMIE
Yes.
RICKY
You can't stay?
JAMIE
I'd love to.
RICKY
Kiss me.
JAMIE
I really have to go.
RICKY
Just kiss me.
JAMIE
I really can't.
RICKY
Come on.
JAMIE
Ricky.
RICKY
Fine. Just leave.
JAMIE
You're impossible.
RICKY
And you're gorgeous.
JAMIE
I'm not.
RICKY
I'm hard again.
JAMIE
Ricky.
RICKY
Get in here.
JAMIE
You're awful.
RICKY
Come on.
JAMIE
Ricky, God I love you.
(Interlude... Art walks across stage with cup of coffee. He is brooding. Then Ricky and Jamie
sit back up and resume scene. It is post sex).
RICKY
Oh my God.
JAMIE
Ohhh
(exhales).
RICKY
God.
JAMIE
OK that's it. I have to go.
RICKY
OK, you can go now. Oh God that was fabulous.
JAMIE
You're shameless.
RICKY
I know.
JAMIE
YOU HAVE NO SELF-CONTROL.
Ricky
I DON'T CARE.
JAMIE
OK. I'm going.
RICKY
So, Sunday right?
JAMIE
/Yes.
RICKY
You really think I'm good on film?
JAMIE
You're fabulous.
RICKY
No. Really?
JAMIE
You're perfect.
RICKY
You're just saying that.
JAMIE
I predict an Oscar for Cops.
RICKY
For me?
JAMIE
For you.
RICKY
Could you imagine winning an Oscar.
JAMIE
No.
RICKY
/Wouldn't that be fabulous.
JAMIE
I'm sure you'll win one.
RICKY
Shut up.
JAMIE
I'd vote for you.
RICKY
OK, it's time for you to go.
JAMIE
I'm going.
RICKY
Gimme a kiss.
JAMIE
No.
RICKY
Come on.
JAMIE
No. You'll molest me again.
RICKY
I won't.
JAMIE
I have to go.
RICKY
Go.
JAMIE
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
RICKY
I'm done at three.
JAMIE
I'll call you.
RICKY
Thanks for stopping by.
JAMIE
Thanks for having me.
RICKY
Thanks for having me.
JAIME
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
RICKY
Goodnight.
JAMIE
Bye.
( We hear the opening bars of the Gypsy Overture. Ray enters in some get up with an
Oscar and says
The Nominees for Best Actor in a pornographic film are:
Jeff Stryker for Power Tool
Ray Tanner for Body Shop
Kevin Costner for Dances with Wolves
Bea Arthur for Golden Girls - The Movie!
and
Ricky for Cops.
And this years Oscar goes to... Ricky for Cops.
RICKY
Oh, where to start. Wow. I don't know what to say. I wasn't
expecting this. I really wasn't.
When I was a little boy, I used to keep a journal and I wrote
that when I grow up I want to be in a porno movie and maybe
go to college. Making Cops was a culmination of a lot of
dreams for me and this award just makes the whole
experience so much richer. I have a lot of people I need to
thank but mainly I need to say thank you to my High School
Drama teacher who cast me in my first play, Curtain Call for
Clifford. It was then that I was bitten with the acting bug.
Anyway I need to thank him for getting me into acting. Oh,
and I'd also like to thank my parents who couldn't be here
tonight because they don't know I'm gay or that I'm a big ol'
porn star. which is ironic because I wouldn't be here tonight if
I didn't have such a big dick and of course I got that from my
Dad who's hung even bigger than me. So thanks Dad, and
finally, I'd just like to say to my fellow nominees, Jeff, Ray,
Kevin, Bea.... I share this award with you. God bless the
academy.
(exits)
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.