SOUTH FLORIDA GAY NEWS

By JW Arnold

Sharp-tongued and occasionally potty-mouthed playwright Ronnie Larsen is rarely at a loss for words. But, last Wednesday, the creator of “Making Porn” and “All-Male Peep Show” was left blushing and speechless.

 

His latest production, “The Penis Talk Show,” playing Wednesday and Saturday nights at Empire Stage through April 5, relies largely on Larsen’s witty adlibs—that is until both the “penises” on stage and audience left him searching for words. 

Let’s back up for a second. The entire premise behind “The Penis Talk Show” is a conversation between the audience and three naked men whose faces and identities are hidden by a curtain. “You can ask me anything” is the mantra for the evening. 

Larsen serves as a “fluffer” of sorts, who interviews and “lubricates” the audience as they arrive, encouraging them to write questions for the penises on index cards. Even though the vast majority of the audience were gay men, he immediately targeted a group of three women in the front row who were celebrating a birthday. In just a few minutes, we learned the birthday girl hadn’t had sex in 10 years and her septuagenarian mother, indeed, did like penises. Then he managed to coax one of the men into dropping his drawers on the stage floor. Everyone was fair game as we awaited the start of the show. 

Soon the “penises” took their places in their office chairs. We were instructed to yell “swivel” if we needed a better view. Quickly everyone realized these three were not going to be shy, anonymity or not. 

Penis #1, hailing from one of those flyover Midwestern states, was probably thirtyish with an athletic build and a respectable “grower.” Penis #2 was definitely older and sported a very large, shiny Prince Albert piercing and very large, shaved scrotum. Penis #3, a young Cuban immigrant in his late 20s, had a lean, defined body with exotic tattoos down his flat abdomen and very long, uncircumcised dick that he played with unceasingly. 

Many of the questions were fairly predictable: Do you manscape (clip and shave) down there? Do you miss your foreskin? How do you pee and cum with a P.A. (Prince Albert)? Are you a top or a bottom? What’s your favorite position? 

But soon the discussion took an unexpected turn. Penis #3 admitted he lost his virginity as a teen in Cuba to a chicken, apparently a common act for young boys on the isolated island and collaborated by the only heterosexual man in the audience (accompanied by his wife), also a Cuban immigrant. Larsen, who has hosted the show all over the country, screamed, “Oh my God, you guys are sick! I’ve never heard anything like that before!” as the audience simultaneously gasped and snickered. 

In response to an inquiry if any of the penises fantasized about cartoon or anime characters, Penis #1 revealed an episode with a trick who dreamed of having sex with Casper the Friendly Ghost. Penis #1 said he donned a white sheet and well, you can imagine what happened next. Again, Larsen exclaimed, “You can’t make this shit up!” 

No, you can’t. “The Penis Talk Show” is definitely the funniest performance I’ve seen in a long time. 

Perhaps the most humorous episodes of the evening were the spontaneous appearances by Empire Stage’s metrosexual executive producer, David Gordon. 

Every time the penises said something just a little more outrageous, Gordon, grinning like a teen caught sneaking his first peek at a “Playboy” centerfold, would poke his head through the door, afraid to miss any of the action. Obviously, he didn’t lose his virginity to a chicken. 

In response to two sold out Wednesday performances, additional shows have been added on Saturdays at 10:15 p.m. Don’t expect the same show, though, because each performance will feature different combinations of “penises” and the questions will change with the audience. 

Rest assured, when Penis #3 does return, Larsen definitely plans to ask about the barnyard animals.

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GOLDSTAR AUDIENCE REVIEWS:

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ANONYMOUS

"I have seen some crazy things and been to some crazy places but last night was easily one of the top 5 craziest nights of my life. Thank you."

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JACQUES REBLEU

"A glorious evening, full of laughter and enlightenment! Touching and funny! An evening I'll never forget. Scintillating, intoxicating, entertaining, educating..."

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EVERGREEN

"More important than the many words of praise I could write, is the need to express the gratitude that I have for the way you are creating a space where people can come and really talk about all this sexual stuff that is too often taboo. It's still a risky proposition for those on stage and vulnerable for the audience too......but wow....such a valuable opportunity!

Thank you a million times for this. It is important and it helps people. Be sure of it."

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ANONYMOUS

"Forget the amazing array of penises (ooh-la-la) …let's talk about men talking about themselves - bravely open and honest…it was downright touching to hear their personal stories. I loved this show!

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JACOB

"It was hilarious! A must see! Nothing like I've ever seen before. Come prepared to ask questions!"

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JC DePABLO

"The show was very well conducted, informative and funny at the same time. the pannel was very patience and cooperative, we highly recommend it"

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ABBY

"i've been to several of the penis talk shows and have loved each one....the experience is always different as the penises change for each show....the set-up is, 3 penises sitting on stools on a stage, the owners' faces are unseen, there is a hilarious emcee, who asks the penisess questions that the audience has written on cards and the answers can be funny and/or informational....it's always an interesting experience...." 

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JACOB DOMINGUEZ

"It was hilarious! A must see! Nothing like I've ever seen before. Come prepared to ask questions!" 

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JUSTIN BRENT

"If you're a voyeur and like to talk about sex you'll love this show!" 

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MARVIN WOLF

"The shows funny, fast moving and the audience participation was also funny. It was not for people who offend easily and it was quite explicit, but still, both my wife and I had a good time and would recommend it, to open minded theater goers, if it comes back to town." 

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KEVIN S.

"Like going to a cooking demonstration where there is no sampling of the product, there was lots of drooling going on! Looking at 3 penises while they tell tales of their sexual adventures is not for the faint of heart. Beware of the RingMaster: No one goes unscathed!" 

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KEVIN

"This was exactly like it was described. You either love the subject matter or you don't. For me, listening to 3 anonymous men talk about their sex lives while naked made for quite the enjoyable evening!" 

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BRIAN

"It was a very funny show. The host was very clever and witty. He engaged the audience often." 

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BRIAN DOUGLAS

"Great show! Great MC! Finally something different!" 

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ROBERTA SPIEGEL

"Very funny show. Emcee was great. Had a very good time."